


Our Cosmic Love

by Violette_Pleasures



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Brother/Brother Incest, Drug Use, Durincest, Family Drama, Family Issues, Family Secrets, First Kiss, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Hippie!Fili, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Moving On, Rimming, Sex eventually, Sibling Incest, Sleepy Cuddles, Slow Build, Underage Kissing, underage frotage, virgin!Kili
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-14
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-01-19 08:18:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 9
Words: 41,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1462291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violette_Pleasures/pseuds/Violette_Pleasures
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili is a quiet artist and gamer who prefers computers and sketch pads to human contact any day. But Fili is different. Fili makes him want to try new things, want to be a better person. He loves his dreaded, hippie big brother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Kiss

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GreenSorceress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenSorceress/gifts).



> Hello all!  
> This whole story stemmed from a prompt that I actually gave to a friend. I just really wanted a hippie, pot smoking Fili with dreads and so I drew a small comic with these two http://mynotsosimplepleasure.tumblr.com/post/80926663200/4-20-at-10-00-a-m-ever-sense-talking-with And things just kind of took off from there. There will a section set up for the comic that I will be attaching to this work soon that will depict little side stories for the babbus~
> 
> I apologize as it is not proofread, so there are bound to be mistakes that I will correct at a later date~ 
> 
> A huge shout out to Green_Sorceress for all of her words of inspiration, all the chats we had, and her priceless friendship which without this story would not have been possible. Also thank you for still being my friend even after I have bugged you so much! ^_^' Anyways, on with the story!

Kili had been trepidatious, to say the least, when Fili first suggested the two of them go camping, just them, at one of his favorite spots out in the country. It had taken a lot of convincing on Fili’s end before their mother had grudgingly agreed, worrying over her youngest baby. But a few foot rubs and ‘you’re the most beautiful mother in the world’s later and they were packed and on the road the next morning.

Fili had smiled the whole way, laughing and joking, his golden dreads flipping about in the breeze blowing around them in the open Jeep. Some Indie music was playing softly over the radio, loud enough to hear, but soft enough that conversation had flowed freely between the two brothers. But Kili still felt on edge being alone with his big brother.

Unlike his blond, dreaded, hippie older brother, Kili had always been a bit shy and awkward around people. He preferred the company of his friends that he gamed with online; hiding behind shrouds of anonymity on both ends took the pressure off. But he was trying to be better, to look people in the eye, to make an effort to converse with people because he wanted to be more like the one he loved.

The scrawny brunet could not exactly pinpoint when his emotions had taken over his brain and made him realize he loved his big brother with all his heart. It was all in the little things. The way Fili smiled at him when he said good morning. The way his blue eyes sparkled when he was winning a game they were playing. The way the little curls at Fili's temples glistened when he got back from one of his runs. All tiny reasons he loved Fili.

They hiked a ways into the forest, lush and green with all the scents of summer. Cicadas hummed out their steady rhythm, a creek’s rushing hush could be heard a few feet off and some frogs sang their throaty melody. It wasn’t long before Fili signaled it was time for them to part with the compacted dirt trail and head off into the thick underbrush full of ferns and nettles. He lead the way, a few strides ahead of Kili to a small meadow tucked away behind some large boulders some yards from the trail. It was quiet and secluded.

“How did you find this place?” Kili looked around with a small amount of awe. It was so beautiful. He was instantly reminded of that one movie about those kids who found a secret garden to play in together.

Fili laughed and scratched the back of his neck, looking down. “Actually, in the fall it’s a great place to find shrooms. My friend pointed it out to me.” He looked up at the brunet through long dark lashes. It made the younger’s heart stutter.

“Oh, I see…” Kili’s voice trailed off as he continued looking around the small alcove, trying to calm his thumping heart. He knew his big brother was fond of his pot and occasional hallucinogenic mushroom; it had never really bothered him. Fili always had excellent grades, helped around the house, and was looking at a full-ride scholarship to the college he’d been wanting to attend since his freshman year.

Fili immediately set about putting up the tent while Kili unpacked a few things. It wasn't until the blond had climbed into the tent barefoot to lay down the sleeping bags that Kili's earlier nervousness returned. He was going to be lying right beside his brother all night. His brother who was beautiful. His brother who made his heart pound.

"You okay, Kee? You're looking a bit flushed." Blue eyes alight with the sun looked him up and down.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, um..." Kili's heart thundered in his chest. Should he just say it? Just get it out in the open? They were here for two days...he didn't want to spoil the trip. This summer would be the turning point in their relationship both as brothers and as two individuals who cohabitated the other's space."Its the heat," the awkward brunet chickened out.

“Oh, “ Something strange flashed behind the elder’s bright eyes. Saddness? Disappointment? “ Well, make sure you stay hydrated. Its only going to get hotter as the day goes on.” He rummaged through his colorful backpack with small woolen threads shaping various llama and alpaca shapes. “Here.” The blond tossed Kili a waterbottle.

“Thanks.” Kili smiled weakly. He was just over reacting. Trying to read into things that weren’t there. “Hey, where is the creek at? I hear it but…”

“Its just over there.” Fili jutted his thumb out over his shoulder. “You wanting to go sit and draw?”

Kili smiled shyly that his brother could read his mind like that. “Watercolor, actually.” He held up his pad and a jar with a wire handle filled with paints and brushes.

“Alright,” Fili smiled, big and genuine, “Just be careful. Its kinda deep in some parts and I know how you can get about water sometimes…”

“I’ll be careful.” The younger headed off in the direction his brother had pointed and soon dry ground gave way to the moist, slippery moss and stones of the edge of the creek. Kili walked up as close to the edge as he dared; it was a small jump off a vine covered boulder about six feet down to the water. Fili had been right, it was pretty deep and fast moving.

When Kili had been about seven, he and his parents had all gone camping on one of the stony beaches out near the Hoh Rainforest. They had set up camp near a little river that fed into the sea. At that time of year, the salmon were beginning to swim upstream and Kili was utterly fascinated with trying to catch one of the huge fish.

On the second day of their stay, Kili had climbed down the slippery embankment determined to catch one of giant fish. He figured maybe he could share it with Fili. He crouched and waited for one of the Sockeye to come close enough. When the glint of silvery scales appeared, Kili had lunged forward, grasping into the water. But he lost his footing and fallen in. He remembered yelping out his big brother’s name before the flow of the river pulled him under, his vision becoming nothing but white froth.

Then he saw Fili, eyes wide and surging through the water, reaching a hand out for Kili to grasp. When he finally reached Kili, he pulled him to his chest and fought back to the surface and drug them both the shore. Fili panted and looked Kili over from head to toe.

“Are you alright? What were you trying to do?!” The eleven year old blond asked half out of concern and half in scolding.

Kili’s eyes had welled with tears.”I was just trying to catch us a fish!” He had began to tremble in anger, at himself, at his brother for scolding him.

“Stupid! That water’s too deep for you! You could have died over a stupid fish!” Then Fili had done something unexpected. He had hugged Kili tight to him and began to cry as well.

Kili had felt so bad, so guilty for upsetting his brother, that he forgot his anger instantly and hugged his big brother back. They sat there a blubbering mess of entangled limbs until Dis had found them.

The memory played bright in Kili’s mind as he watched the swirling water below. Ever since that day, he had become nervous around moving bodies of water. Pools and lakes were fine, but the ocean, creeks, rivers, were out of the question.

Shaking his head, the young brunet sat down his art supplies and began a rough sketch of the little meadow they were camping in. It did not hold his interest for long and soon Kili found himself painting eyes blue as the ocean framed by hair as golden and shining as sunshine. He had sketchbooks full of drawings and paintings of Fili.

Just as he switched to a smaller brush to detail the twisting patterns of his love’s dreads, Kili felt a presence behind him.

“Hey, that’s pretty good.”

“Fili!” Kili flipped his pad shut quickly, blushing horribly.

“You make me look pretty, Kee.” Fili reached a hand out and ruffled chestnut locks in a familiar, brotherly touch.

“I don’t know what you, ah, mean?” Kili tried to play it off with a shrug.

“You don’t think I haven’t stumbled across some of your little notebooks full of pictures of me?” Fili smirked, somewhat teasing, but there was something else, something distinctly different and new, present as well.

Kili’s sable doe eyes went wide. Oh no. Please no. Not now. He wasn’t ready to tell Fili how he felt and it wasn’t something to just be blurted out. It was about time and place, something whispered softly by the light of the moon not yelled out into the light of day.

The older blond’s eyes narrowed slightly, golden brows scrunching in the middle, microscopic movements of muscle and flesh. The insects continued to hum in the background filling the silence that poured out thick and humid between the brothers. He seemed to study his little brother a moment before he spoke again.

“Well, camps all set up,” He swiped a hand across his brow. “Wanna go for a dip?” Half a smile formed at the corner of his full lips.

“H-here?” Kili looked over his shoulder down into the water below.

“No, I don’t want to traumatize you further.” The usual teasing tone returning to Fili’s voice. “There’s a little pool fed by the river down a ways that barely moves at all.”

“But, I didn’t pack my trunks.” It was Kili’s turn to furrow his eyebrows.

“Kee, we’re out in the middle of nature, away from the world,” Fili gestured to the canopy of emerald above them, the open fresh air surrounding them. “Away from the prying eyes of people.”

“You want to go…skinny dipping?” Kili gulped, his palms were growing clammy at the thought of seeing his brother naked.

“Ugh,” Fili rolled his eyes. “Don’t think of it that way. You came into this world naked, people clothed you, not nature, so you should enjoy Mother Nature just as free as the day you were born sometimes. Its rejuvenating.” His blue eyes were twinkling with a passion for the world around Kili couldn’t even begin to comprehend.

“Dirty hippie.” Kili teased as a playful smile began to quirk his lips upwards. The brunet would follow Fili and his overzealous love of nature and being nude to the depths of ruin as long as he kept those enchanting blue eyes on him and that bewitching smile focused on him. He understood why their mother always called him a silver tongued devil.

“Come on,” Fili started walking away down river.

“Wait for me!” Kili haphazardly gathered his things and set off after his big brother. When he caught up, the elder had already began shedding his clothing and was down to his boxer briefs. The sight of Fili’s bare chest, covered in freckles and blonde hair, made Kili’s breath catch in his suddenly dry throat.

“You gonna actually swim with me?” Fili raised a brow at him in mock frustration.

Kili stuck his tongue out and set his art supplies in a safe, dry area. He toed off his shoes and socks first and was shocked at how much he enjoyed the feeling of the damp moss underneath his bare feet. The brunet looked down and smiled to himself as he pulled his shirt over his head and wiggled his toes into the wet soil. When he looked up to hang his shirt on a low hanging branch, he noticed out of the corner of his eye that Fili had stopped undressing and was watching him. Feeling suddenly self conscious, he rubbed his arms up and down, refusing to make direct eye contact.

After a few beats of his thundering heart, Fili resumed taking his clothes off and waded into the water. What had he been looking at? What did he see? Kili wasn’t much to see, all scrawny, gangly limbs and pasty skin from more days spent hiding in his darkened room than actually playing outside. Nothing like his brother who was perfectly tan and covered in adorable freckles and lean muscle.

A few more moments of inner turmoil passed and Kili hurriedly shed his shorts and boxers and splashed into the cool water. It was refreshing. The water barely moved at all, almost completely enclosed by some large rocks, just enough that it wouldn’t stagnate. He could do this. This wasn’t something to panic over.

Fili suddenly emerged from water directly in front of Kili, startling him from his thoughts and making him scream a bit. He threw his head back and laughed deeply. “I am the monster of the deep lagoon! I love to devour fish and any beautiful young boys who dare swim in my pool!” The blond’s fingers curled into claws as he made to tickle the younger.

“Fili! No! Don’t!” Kili tried to wade through the water as fast he could away from his brother. He wasn’t fast enough. Fili’s long fingers found his ribs and poked and prodded at them relentlessly. Kili was fighting back tears he was laughing so hard. He tried swatting Fili away to no avail. “You’re going to drown me!” He managed to gasp out.

“I would never!” Fili laughed again.

“Stop! Please! Uncle!” The young brunet hadn’t had to cry uncle in years. It was nostalgic.

As they both caught their breath, Kili noticed Fili’s proximity. The elder’s hands were still wrapped loosely about his waist, helping him float without doing much work, and the younger’s hands had come to rest on broad, bronzed shoulders. When Kili looked up slowly, pulse rising dangerously, his gaze inevitably aligned with crystalline orbs looking deep into his dark eyes. Kili didn’t know how long they stayed that way, just gazing upon one another.

“Kili…” There was a flickering intensity burning deep within the blond’s intense eyes as he searched the younger’s face.

“Yes?” The brunet’s reply little more than a breath.

The air between the two young men was bated and heavy once more. The rise and fall of Fili’s chest quicker, more shallow than before. He shook long dreads before he spoke.

“Its nothing.”

“…” Kili slowly waded away from his brother’s grasp, away from the sadness in those blue eyes, and pushed himself to float on his back. He needed to think, needed to calm down, so he let the water fill his ears and drown out the thoughts racing through his mind. Of course it was nothing. What was he expecting Fili to say? That he loved him?

He felt the ripples as his big brother swam to the edge and climbed up onto the shore. Kili cracked his eyes just tiny slits as he watched his beautiful brother. Water was running down his flawless skin, dripping from his mane of curls and dreads, pooling at his feet. To Kili, Fili was a Greek god, golden and glowing, strong and powerful like a summer storm. He couldn’t tear his eyes away as the golden god turned towards him, catching his first glimpse of Fili’s heavy manhood nestled beneath a thatch of golden curls. He could feel the blush that crept into his cheeks and he closed his eyes tight, willing away the arousal he felt building low in his stomach.

A pebble landing on his stomach brought Kili back to reality. He righted himself with some effort. “What?”

“Its time to go, little Kili-maid. The sun’s starting to set.” Fili gathered his clothes, slipping into just his hiking shorts leaving them unbuttoned, accentuating the perfect ‘v’ of his hips.

The skinny brunet doggy paddled up to the shore and crawled out of the water like a dripping rat, all skin and bones. He shivered in the cooling air of the summer evening. Again he felt eyes on his skin, heating him quickly.

Once both had redressed, they walked back to their camp in relative silence. Fili squeezed out his dreads and Kili wrung out his mop of unruly hair.

“What do you want for dinner?” Fili bumped into him.

“Hmm, I don’t know…what’re my options?” Kili smiled sweet and soft up at his brother.

“Well I packed some avocados and hard bread, that sound good?”

“Oh! That kind you put the salt and pepper on with lime juice?”

“Yeah,” Fili breathed out smiling at his brother’s enthusiasm.

“Sounds good to me. I’m not that hungry.”

~

The two brothers sat in a companionable silence while they ate. Kili still felt too nervous to say much. Fili knew about his drawings, had even caught him in the middle of drawing one. And what was that back at the pool? He felt like he was slowly going crazy.

“Look.” Fili’s soft voice rang out into the silence of the alcove, startling the younger from his circular thinking.

Kili’s deep eyes followed where his brother was pointing into the clearing. Fireflies. Dozens of fireflies had gathered about in the hollyhocks, flickering messages to their mates. He wondered how long they would keep sending out their ever flowing signals before another bug took interest and chose to be together. How many would try their hardest, make extravagant lights, and still be left wanting?

“Come on, lets turn in, Kee.” The blond rose from his spot in the grass and turned towards the tent, careful to remove his shoes before entering.

“Uh, yeah.” He took a few deep breaths before getting up and joining his big brother. Once inside, Kili became so nervous, he thought his heart would give out.

Fili had unzipped the sleeping bags and created a large pallet on the floor of the one-man tent. One big bed, no separations, no personal space. Fili had already settled into the space by the door, no doubt to best protect Kili, and was removing his shirt when the brunet sat beside him.

Kili inhaled deeply, catching his brother’s unmistakable scent of sandalwood and campfire. Fili always smelled like smoke and fire. He was an eternal warmth. And it drew the skinny brunet to him like a moth.

Finally, the younger laid down facing his brother, trying to maintain as much distance as possible between the two of them. Fili looked into his eyes as he rolled over, something left unspoken in the bright blue irises. It made Kili’s breath catch in his chest.

“Fili?” The name was out before he could stop it.

“Yes?” The blond replied almost too enthusiastic.

“I-I…” The younger couldn’t stop what was beginning to flow from his lips."Thank you....for all of this."   


A small, but genuine smile crossed Fili's face. "I'm glad you like it here. Its my favorite camp site."

"I can see why." Kili aimed for a smile, but the cool night air set into him and he shivered. He was always cold. How was Fili okay without a shirt? 

"Come here," It was more of a command than an invitation as the elder reached out and pulled Kili close until the brunet was flush against his bare chest. He felt his big brother bury his nose in the top of his freshly washed locks, the heat of his skin against his cheek. The brunet trembled at the loving embrace. He felt Fili press a kiss to the top of his head. And silence took over. Kili was tensed and felt his shoulders rising up to his ears.   


“I can hear the gears in your head turning. Could you try and quiet them? I’m trying to sleep.”

“H-hey!” Kili quipped indignantly.

Fili smiled warmly down at Kili. “Good night, little raven.” He kissed the younger’s cheek before pulling the covers up to their chins.

The younger sighed contentedly into the elder’s chest, laughing gently to himself as the curly hairs tickled his nose. When he was sure the elder was asleep, he chanced running his fingertips through the hair and found it surprisingly soft. He could hardly make himself believe that was happening right now was occurring with his eyes still open.

And Kili fell into the most peaceful sleep he had ever known.

~

A thin mist spread out its arms over the meadow in the early morning hours, covering everything in pearl like dew. The late summer morning was brisk, fall whispering its desires to come and visit the land into summer’s ear, coaxing her to rest her extraordinary beauty for a time.

It was during this time that Kili found himself awake and perched on one of the guarding boulders, watching the sun rise. He had woken up entirely too hot and sore from lying in a tangled pile with Fili. He could still feel his warmth on his cheeks, his soft puffs of breath ruffling through his hair.

He couldn’t help dragging out his sketch pad and charcoal. He wanted to capture this moment the only way he knew how. The scratching of the charcoal along the fibers of the paper and the chirping of the early rising birds melding together.

“You’re up early.”

Kili jumped horribly at the sound of his brother’s voice. “Good morning!” He glanced over his shoulder at the blonde. He was a vision; still rubbing clouded, sleepy eyes, hair perfectly messed and pulled over one shoulder, the wooden beads clacking quietly with every step the golden deity took. He looked like he belonged there, a creature of the forest that moved about in the first light of day, riding the clouds of fog.

“You wanna get started on our hike in a bit? It isn’t that far, but we may want to get started before the sun gets up too high, you know?” Fili scratched at his scalp.

Kili smiled affectionately down at his brother. “Your dreads are getting loose.”

“Yeah…”

~

The winding track that lead up the face of the mountain was thankfully well trodden and smooth. It felt good beneath Kili’s feet, much better than concrete anyways. Fili had refused to tell him where they were going exactly, but judging from the brightly colored rope hanging off his pack, they were in for a climb at some point.

“We’re here!” Fili tried to hide the smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Kili looked around. There was nothing of note to see. Shear rock face on one side, a huge drop covered in tall, thick pines on the other.

“I’ll go up first and come back down and help you up.” Fili was already stepping into his climbing harness and strapping his belt with his hooks and such around his hips.

The brunet nodded looking around still. “Where are we?”

“You’ll see.”

In just a moment, the elder was scaling the rocks with ease. Kili watched with no small amount of admiration as his brother climbed up the vertical rock face like he had been born to do it. He kept climbing up and up until suddenly, he disappeared into the mountain side.

“Fili? Where’d you go?” The younger shouted up to the elder. “You okay?”

“Yeah! I’m cool!” Fili shouted down. “I’m securing the ropes real quick and coming back down!”

Kili was harnessed and climbing, more slowly than Fili of course, in a flash, grasping at the rocks like a limpet. After a while, he came to an indenture, a small cave, hidden in the cliff.

“ Climb up inside!”

The little cave was a bit dank and dark even in the bright light of midday. It was fairly small and Kili had to keep crouched down on all fours to fit inside.

“Keep going further back, its safe.” The elder blond motioned with his hand for his brother to keep moving.

“This is a little creepy…” The young brunet crept slowly towards the back of the cave.

“Alright, move aside and follow me.” Fili flicked on his head lamp and scooted around Kili to take the lead.

As they crawled through, their hands getting covered in some sort of slimey algae and muck, Kili instantly regretted wearing shorts that day. Fili didn’t seem to mind though, and kept drawing them further and further into the mountain. It was a deceptively deep cave that seemed to go on for forever. When he thought for sure they were going to come out the other side of the mountain, Fili halted.

“Come here,” Fili dropped off a little ledge and offered his hands up for Kili to drop down after him. “Close your eyes for a minute.”

Kili obeyed, still stunned in wonderment and curiosity. He could hear the faint sound of water dripping onto rock and the static noise of rushing water coming from somewhere nearby. And…was that Florence and the Machine playing?

“Okay, open.” The elder stepped behind the younger, resting large, calloused hands on the other.

When Kili opened his eyes, he felt his breath stolen out of his lungs. A handful of small candles had been lit and set up around the stalactite chamber, casting its golden light onto the various crystals grown deep in the heart of the mountain. The refracted rainbows danced playfully on the walls as the air rustled the flames. And Fili’s iPod rested on a small stone, “Cosmic Love” filling his ears.

The brunet leaned back into the blond, taking it all in. It was the most amazing and romantic thing anyone had ever done for him. He smiled to himself as he heard Fili humming along to the song.

_The stars,_

Fili tamped out one of the candles.

_The moon,_

Another candle out.

_They have all been blown out._

Another and another until only one candle was left.

_No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight, In the shadow of your heart._

They were cast into complete darkness.

“Fili?!” Kili reached out into the inky blackness of the artificial night that had been created around him.

“I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map; And knew that somehow I could find my way back,” His brother’s deep voice reverberated off the high walls giving Kili shivers that wouldn’t stop.

The skinny brunet felt his beloved sibling come to stand in front of him, somehow able to navigate the dark much better than he. Kili trembled as he felt strong arms wind around his small frame and pull him close, into that comforting, desirable warmth.

“Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too; So I stayed in the darkness with you.” The lean blond rubbed comforting circles up and down his little brother’s back before reaching up and cupping both his cheeks in his rough palms. Kili’s heart was racing, pounding at his rib cage, threatening to break free and jump into his brother’s warm hands.

Then there were lips; full, slightly chapped lips pressing against his in a delicate touch. The kiss was sweet, gentle, chaste. Kili barely remembered to close his eyes, even if it was dark. He tried to process what was happening but, for once, his worried mind was blessedly quiet.

The younger heard a soft sigh escape his lips as they were parted by a slick tongue lapping at the corner of his mouth. He welcomed it into his mouth, craving with a sudden voraciousness to know what it would feel like sliding against his own tongue. He wanted to taste Fili, ingrain his flavor into his memory for forever. Kili slipped his arms around his big brother’s neck and pulled him closer, haphazardly deepening the kiss.

When Fili finally pulled back, Kili whining in protest, both were panting heavily. Somehow Fili’s hand had found its way up the slender brunet’s shirt and Kili’s had become entangled in the blond’s long dreads. Kili realized, with embarrassing clarity, that he was hard. But he didn’t care, he just wanted Fili, more, closer, to become one with him. He blushed at where his thoughts were going. But when he went to kiss the elder again, Fili had pushed him back and grabbed both of his hands, holding them firmly.

“We should stop.” Fili’s breathing still slightly elevated.

“B-but…I want…want you.” Kili felt his own breathing slowly coming down.

“Not yet. You’re not ready for that.” The elder pulled his thin hands up to his lips, dusting his knuckles with feather light kisses.

He was right. Kili didn’t even really understand how sex worked honestly. Well, he knew, but…The concept of something so large, thoughts of a naked Fili emerging from the pool yesterday flashed through his hyperaware mind, fitting into something so small, it frightened him a little bit. Kili knew he shouldn’t be afraid of the intimate act. He wasn’t ready.

“Can we…uhm…one more time?” The brunet could feel the heat radiating off his ears. For the first time, he really felt their age gap.

“Sure.” Fili huffed a laugh and tilted his chin up for another, slow, sweet kiss.

~

When the two had both emerged from the cave, lighthearted and flush faced, the sun was beginning its decent from the sky, just enough light left to make it back before the sun set. Kili smiled shyly up at his brother as they made their way down the mountain trying to absorb everything. The way the sun shone off his elegant features, the sounds of his beads clacking together, the delicate pink covering his high cheekbones.

“Kili?” It was Fili’s turn to sound a little nervous.

“Y-yeah?”

“Have you kissed anyone before?” He watched the minute parting of Fili’s lips as he licked his lower lip, a nervous habit he’d had since they were little.

“Oh…ah, uhm...” What should he say? Tell him the truth, that no, he had never kissed anyone, and come off as even geekier than he already did? Or lie and make himself seem less young and inexperienced? The truth won out. “…no, that…that was my first kiss…”

“I see…”A barely contained grin formed over Fili’s face, nearly bursting with joy.

Kili blushed, fiddling with the ends of his overgrown hair as he bumped into his brother’s side. He offered a simple smile as they kept walking. They didn’t speak for the rest of the decent down the mountain, but the young brunet tried to keep his heart from bursting when his big brother had nervously taken his hand.

~

That night, Kili was not as nervous about settling in next to his brother; he leaned his head against the blonde’s shoulder as he looked up through the netting of their tent, watching the fireflies sway across the starlit skies. The crickets were chirping out a lullaby who’s lyrics were lost to all but them. It was peaceful.

Kili took a deep breath filling up his belly as he mulled over the day in his mind. He subconsciously traced over his lips with his fingertips, smiling to himself. He could still feel his brother’s warmth lingering there. He glanced over at Fili, lying shirtless with his arms tucked under his head, and the young brunet swore he could see the heaven’s light twinkling in his crystal blue depths.

Fili turned his head, feeling the younger’s eyes on him, to cast a love filled look Kili’s way. He reached over to run a finger down the brunet’s cheek. After a moment he turned his attention back to the stars and insects, and if his cheeks were a bit red, Kili wasn’t going to say a word about it.

Kili bit his lip, and after a moment of consideration, sat up and removed his own shirt. Immediately he felt the sting of embarrassment at his nakedness. He was so bony and pale. But then he felt Fili’s hand on his back and could imagine those piercing orbs burning into his heated skin.

“You’re so beautiful, Kili…do you know that?”

Kili bit his lip harder and shook his head. He wrapped his arms about his too thin chest, holding himself.

“You are. The most beautiful thing I have ever laid my eyes on.” The elder sat up and began applying tiny kisses to the younger’s shoulders and neck, running his hands carefully down Kili’s sides. “Your pale skin, dark hair, dark eyes…I love everything about you. You are precious to me.”

The brunet felt his breath hitch in his throat and all function in his mind seemed to stop. _Beautiful._ Fili thought he was beautiful. And… _love_. He loved everything about him. Kili had turned and smashed his lips into his big brother’s before he had even really thought it through. He pushed Fili onto his back with his weight and kissed him desperately everywhere his lips could reach.

“Kili…” His name was groaned out in a way that sank into him like a stone thrown into the ocean.

“Fili…” Kili’s heart thrummed inside him as the skin of their bare chests rubbed together creating a delicious sensation that made his over sensitized nerve endings cry out for the other lying beneath him. He felt himself becoming aroused, but he didn’t care as he shamelessly ground his hips into the blonde’s thigh.

“K-Kili! Slow down!” Fili tried to sound commanding, but his voice was weak and breathy with need. He grasped his younger brother’s hips, trying to slow the rocking, but it only made him want to pull him closer and grind back into him.

“I need you…” The brunet whispered into the elder’s ear, pausing from their fevered kissing. “…more than I’ve ever needed anything…I want you…” Kili could hardly believe the what he was saying.

“No, not yet.” They both groaned as their erections happened to line up perfectly and rub against the other. This was getting dangerous. “Stop--! Stop, Kili!”

The brunet’s mouth fell open as he breathed heavily, his eyes an even deeper shade of their usual chocolate with need. Reason prodded at the back of his lust filled mind, cemented into place as his beloved pushed him away. In that moment Kili felt rejected, bereft and he looked at his brother with hurt in his big doe eyes.

“Its not because I don’t want to! So stop thinking that right now!” Fili growled the words out. “You’re too young, Kee. I don’t want to do…this...”Fili motioned between the two of them. “…right now.”

Kili swallowed thick, pushing the desperate hurt he was feeling from himself. Deep breaths, in and out. He watched as Fili did the same, both calming down from the high of being so close. Kili looked down at his hands.

“I love you!” He said the words quickly and shut his eyes tight, turning red from embarrassment.

“Kili, you’re an idiot.” Fili snorted.

“Jerk!” Kili’s eyes teared up; he felt humiliated. He berated himself for just spitting the words out as if they were poison.

“I love you too.” Fili poked at his little brother’ s ribs.

Kili felt his whole face go red from cheeks to ears. “W-what should we, uhm…do about it?”

The elder’s chest rose and fell on a sigh. “Well…I don’t know, really.” He shifted on his knees. “ But can it wait? This whole big discussion?”

“But shouldn’t we—?” Kili turned soulful, brown eyes upward, searching out his big brother’s face in the darkness.

“Not right now,” Fili shushed the nervous brunet, cupping his cheek and running a thumb lovingly over the full apples of Kili’s cheeks. “Right now, I just want to hold you. I just want this to be our world, no one else, no worries, just us.”

The younger bit his lip again, staring down at his lap. After a moment, he shook his head, dropping the thoughts from his mind and crawled over to his big brother. He pushed and nudged at the blonde until he took the hint and laid back down. Kili curled up into his side, resting his head on and throwing an arm over his toned chest.

Fili chuckled softly and pulled Kili closer. “I love you…forever.” He kissed the brunet’s forhead.

“Forever…”Kili sighed, kissing his brother’s chest just over his heart.


	2. First Goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about how long this has taken everyone! I hope you're still with me and enjoy the update. Thank you to everyone who left me comments and kudos so far ~

Kili lay curled up into Fili’s chest, fingers knotted into the congratulatory university tshirt the blonde sported. Fili’s arms were wound tight about the brunet’s slighter form. Neither of them spoke, they just laid there for hours, afraid of the truths they were having to face, scared of the eventuality of it all.

The younger released what felt like the thousandth deep sigh, rattling up from his sore ribs. He had snuck into Fili’s room late last night, long after the house had fallen silent, and roused the elder. Kili had slid into the too soft bed with the full intention of giving himself to his big brother, but instead, when those sleepy blue eyes had alit with realization, he could not do it. His shoulders had sagged and he had just began sobbing uncontrollably. He had melded himself into Fili’s side, words failing him every time he tried to break through the hiccuping cries.

And now they just sat together, savoring each other’s body heat, texture of hair, unmistakable scents. They had stayed that way all night, afraid to sleep, to miss the moment when the other might work up the courage to finally speak.

Fili cleared his throat, thick with a quiet sadness, unlike Kili’s howls of pain. “I love you…” He spoke softly, carding fingers through the younger’s messy locks.

"I-I love you too-" Kili choked on a sob. "I know…I know its selfish, but I don’t want you to go…"

“I don’t want to go either, but I have to.” Fili hugged his little brother tighter, if that was possible, pressing another kiss to his crown.

“I know,” The brunet half-sobbed again. “…and things were just starting between us, finally. We were just starting…and now you’re leaving and—“ I feel like I’m dying. Kili wanted to say, but couldn’t burden his brother with.

“I know, Kee, I feel the same way. It was just poor timing on our end.” Fili’s blue eyes sought out the younger’s sable eyes in the moonlight shining through the small gap in his curtains. “When I think of all the times I wanted to tell you, should have told you, how I really felt, I could just kick myself. But I was so worried about coming off as…well…creepy.”

“And I was so afraid you would hate me.” Kili managed to huff a laugh despite his raw throat.

“I could never hate you,” Fili smiled sadly as he closed the distance between them with a soft kiss to the slender brunet’s lips.

“Mmm…” The younger purred into the kiss, all his desperation and longing bubbling over into a new found and zealous passion for his older brother. Before he really knew what he was doing, Kili found himself tangling his finger’s into Fili’s long dreads and tugging at them teasingly. He opened his mouth sinfully, inviting the elder to taste him freely; they had had a year to at least get snogging down pretty good and Kili knew what Fili liked.

“Kili,” The fit blond spoke the younger’s name like a solemn prayer, imbued with an adoration Kili could barely grasp the edge of. Fili pressed his tongue into his little brother’s mouth, running the slick muscle over teeth and tongue. The syrupy warmth awoke a feral voraciousness deep within him as he felt the slim brunet slowly grind their hips together. 

“F-Fili…” Kili’s voice was breathy with need and he spoke the name of his only god. He ran his hands down from the blond’s dreads, down his neck, and grasped onto his shoulders, digging his nails in lightly. The feeling of Fili’s firm muscles beneath his fingers sent shivers all down his body. He needed more. Needed to be closer. “I-I want you…”

The words were breathed onto Fili’s tongue, filling his mouth and mind with its singular intent. His base needs dominated his reason as he rose from the blankets, pulling his shirt off over his head and tossing it to the floor. He growled low in his throat as he slinked over the top of Kili, pushing the slighter man into the mattress with the weight of his hips and kissing him deeply.

“Oh god!” Kili moaned out between kisses that stole the very breath from his lungs and made stars flash behind his eyelids. He felt Fili’s arousal pressing into his own, writhing every time they happened to align perfectly, sending a delicious, spine tingling sensation coursing through his body. The brunet offered his neck submissively, willingly, as the elder made his way down the younger’s body. Fili had never been this forward with him, he’d always exercised such restraint, and this, this raw passion had Kili trembling at every brush of his brother’s lips across his flesh.

“Fuck,” Fili groaned out as he slipped his hand beneath his little brother’s shirt, sliding it up his thin frame, revealing the flatness of his abs and relief of his high peaked hip bones. “You’re so beautiful, Kee.” Soon, the blonde’s hands were replaced by his lips and teeth as he kissed and nipped marks into Kili’s tender skin.

The young brunet reveled in the thought of the chain of purple marks that Fili was leaving on his chest and throat. “Uhn! Fili…” Kili let his hands come up and his nails dig into the warm flesh of Fili’s muscular back, raking them down roughly, no doubt leaving big, red marks in their wake. “More.” He panted out as the elder licked and kissed feather light around one rosy nipple and then the other. Kili arched his back off the bed, pressing hard and hot into Fili, before rolling his body and lowering himself back onto the bed.

“Tease.” The elder choked out a chuckle, throaty yet smooth, as he took one of the younger’s nipples between his teeth. He rolled the delicate bud gently between lip and teeth, alternating with long, laving licks.

“Aah!” Kili cried out, voice strangled with arousal. He felt Fili place a hand on his hip to keep him from bucking the elder off. “I want you, Fili…” He breathed, emphasizing his desires by reaching between them and grasping Fili’s sex through his pants, alternating between tugging it gently and petting it lightly.

“God damn it, Kili…aah!” The blonde rolled his hips into the brunet’s carnal touches. He locked eyes with the younger beneath him, gaze dripping with a heated sensuality. Fili ran a hand down his own well toned abdomen to dip beneath his pants and push them down, revealing his engorged length. His crystalline orbs were still focused intently on amber eyes as he followed suit with the brunet’s pants, pulling a sharp breath between his perfect teeth as Kili’s own sex sprang free from the confining fabric. “Fuck, baby…”

“Please!” Kili didn’t know what he wanted exactly, some sort of touch, some sort of friction. His voice and breath were lost as Fili grasped both their sexes and pumped them roughly, groaning out his pleasure. The young brunet writhed beneath the elder blonde’s lewd touches. He felt precum, thick and sticky, drooling from both their lengths.

Fili brought his fingers, coated in both their essence, up to his lips and licked them clean. “I want to taste you, Kili.” He looked Kili over, seeking approval. “Will you let me?”

Kili swallowed, eyes going wide. He had imagined blowing Fili a hundred times, not really the other way round. The younger felt a deep blush tinting his face and chest. “C-can I…uhm, can I do you first?” Kili pointed childishly down to Fili’s naked sex.

Fili laughed soft, through his nose, shaking his head. “You sure?” 

Kili nodded, blinking owlishly. Never breaking eye contact with Fili, he squirmed out from beneath his brother and pushed him onto his back; Fili laughed nervously as his head hit the pillows. The brunet worried his lip as he got into a comfortable position between the blonde’s long legs. He took up Fili’s length, stroking and pumping it as he would himself, while thinking of how to give a proper blow job.

"If you’re too nervous, we can—" Fili started. 

"No! No," Kili darted out his tongue, lapping his brother’s frenulum quickly, to emphasize his point. He smirked when the blonde’s breath hitched. "I just…don’t know what I’m doing…"

Fili rolled his eyes playfully. ” Don’t be nervous and just do whatever feels right…I will love whatever you do.” He smiled bright and reassuringly. 

The younger nodded, smiling bashfully. He leaned his mouth further over the elder’s hot, dripping sex, blowing his warm breath over the head before licking it softly. The moans that came from his big brother went straight to his groin making his own prick throb. Kili dared to be brave and took the flared tip into his mouth and closed his lips around it, creating a gentle suction.

"Ah, Kili…" The blonde’s head fell back and he closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of the brunet’s mouth on him. It took everything in him to not start thrusting shallowly into Kili’s hot, wet mouth. Fili gripped the sheets tight, knuckles white, as Kili sunk further onto his cock. "That’s so good, baby."

The slender brunet looked up through his lashes at his brother’s face, committing to memory the beautiful sight of Fili lying stretched and trembling at his touch. He wanted to do more, make his big brother feel so good that he would remember this for the rest of his life. He rutted into the sheets trying to relieve the aching in his unattended sex. Kili drew in a deep breath, recalling some “instructional videos” he had watched, and pushed the blonde’s length as far into his mouth as it would go. He gagged slightly as the head hit the back of his throat and he swallowed hard to steady himself, adjusting to the feeling.

Fili nearly came off the bed. He shot his head up, eyes wide, and watched as his little brother deep throated him like he had been doing it for years. He panted heavily, at a loss for words, and stroked Kili’s hair adoringly as he worked him over. The elder barely managed to grunt a warning of his impending release before his thick length quivered, releasing his seed deep in the younger’s throat.

Kili swallowed his brother’s thick seed until it filled his mouth too full and forced him to pull off his cock with a wet slurp. He watched in mild surprise as more cum continued to leak from Fili’s heavy prick.

As the last of the tremors subsided, Fili glared fervidly at Kili. “You’re done for.” Faster than Kili could react, the elder lifted him up and flipped him onto his back, attacking his mouth and body once again with heated kisses. He paid special attention to each of his little brother’s nipples, biting and twisting them between forefinger and thumb, as he worked his way lower and lower. 

Kili’s rigid member stood prominently out from his stomach, the head purplish and begging for release. He breathed heavily through his nose, trying to keep from keening too loudly at Fili’s arduous ministrations. He already felt so good. 

Fili wrapped his fingers snugly around Kili’s base. “Don’t want you coming too quickly,” He explained with a smirk before licking the underside of the slim brunet’s leaking prick. 

"Fili!" Kili jerked bodily at the heavenly feel of his big brother’s tongue. He felt like he could have nearly came from just that were not for the elder’s tight grasp at his base. He attempted to make a mental note of it as the blonde swirled his tongue, tortuously and languidly slow, around the brunet’s slick head.

"You taste so good, Kee." Fili hummed as he took the entirety of the young brunet’s sex into his mouth and throat, bobbing his head up and down.

This time, Kili couldn’t hold back the wanton cry that flew from his lips before he could clap a hand over his mouth. “Big brother!” He reached out and tangled his fingers into Fili’s dreads once more, rocking up into his mouth. Even with the elder’s improvised impediment, he could feel his orgasm racing through his veins. “Its—ah! I’m coming—!”

"Mmhmm," Fili hummed his approval around the younger’s cock in his throat. He picked up the pace of his sucking and began stroking Kili hard and fast.

"FUCK!" Kili’s back arched high off the bed, every muscle in his body tensed and joints locked, as the most intense orgasm he had ever felt rushed through him. The pleasure was unrelenting, his cock throbbed incessantly, pulsing copious amounts of cum into Fili’s inviting mouth. As the sensations became a dull pleasure pain, Kili dropped back onto the bed a trembling, sniveling mess. 

Fili rejoined him at the head of the bed, whispering words of love to his brother. “I love you,” He brushed chocolate bangs from a sticky forehead, kissing Kili’s brow softly. “You were amazing…so beautiful.”

Kili still couldn’t register coherent thought and settled for turning into his brother’s warm chest, snuggling in close. His breathing still hadn’t completely calmed and he still shivered as Fili pulled the blankets back over them. “L-love you too…” He managed to stutter out from the fog of post coital fuzz in his brain.

"Forever," Fili chuckled quietly to himself and tilted the young brunet’s face up for one last, languid kiss. "Lets get some sleep." He glanced at the alarm clock on his bedside table, the green numbers illuminating that it was 4:30 in the morning. 

Kili felt like there was more he wanted to say, something left unsaid, but he was so tired and, rather quickly, he found himself drifting into sleep, matching his breathing to his beloved older bother’s.

~

"Kili…Kili…" 

The sluggish brunet rolled over, brows furrowed, turning towards the voice rousing him. The sleep cleared quickly from his mind when he remembered what day it was. The day Fili left. 

"Its time, Kili," Fili tried for half a smile, but quickly faltered. "I have to go."

Kili sat there in silence, merely blinking a few times before rolling out of his brother’s bed to go get some clean clothes. He glanced up at Fili through his eyelashes, one last time, as he walked past the elder into his own room. The silence between them was deafening. 

The younger took a few deep breaths as he pulled on a pair of tattered skinny jeans, a button up and vest, and a pair of vintage loafers. He barely thought at all as he pulled the jeans up his still shaking thighs. Last night had been so incredible, brought them so much closer together both as brohters and as lovers, and now…now Kili had to say good bye.

"Kili! We’re going to leave without you!" Their mother’s voice carried up the short staircase.

Kili hurriedly grabbed his leather messenger bag and threw it over his shoulder, barely remembering to grab his phone and house keys. He didn’t really need them, but why break a good habit?

He laughed to himself bitterly as he descended the stairs. Kissing Fili. Holding his hand. Telling him “I love you” everyday. Those were all perfectly good habits he had picked up and was now going to have to break by force of circumstance.

~

"You boys ready?" Dis smiled, melancholic, at her two sons, pulling them under each arm, as she always had, for a big group hug. 

"Yeah," Kili managed out.

"Mm," Fili nodded stoically, shifting his brightly colored, alpaca printed pack on his shoulder. 

Dis stepped back, looking them both over, tears in her eyes. “Oh, my babies. You’re both growing up so fast!” She patted Fili’s stubbly cheeks with her thick fingers. “If someone had told me when I came to this country with my family fifteen years ago that one of my own children would be attending college, I would not have believed them.” Her thick, Romanian accent began to shine through the more choked up she became. “Now look at you. You’re going off to college, on a scholarship for good grades no less, to make something great of yourself.” The older woman sniffed before pulling back and reigning her emotions in, tucking long, black curls behind her ears. 

"Ma," Fili smiled warmly and pulled his mother in for a tight hug, resting his chin atop her head. "I love you.You’re the one that taught me that education is what matters and that with a little hard work," He tilted her chin up to wipe at his mother’s tears, "even the daughter of two poor, Romanian immigrants can do anything she puts her mind to." 

"Oprește-te! [Stop that!]" Dis huffed a laugh, wiping at her newly forming tears. "Lets get you to the campus before tours are over for the day."

~

The ride lasted about five hours, both too long and too short for Kili’s liking. Too far to see Fili with any regularity and too short of a last moment to spend with his big brother.

Kili and Fili sat together in the backseat, hands entwined on the tiny, middle chair. No one said much on the trip, everyone off in their own minds. Lunch time had come and past, but none of them had made so much as a mention of being hungry. Kili didn’t think he could have kept anything down at this point anyways.

A light squeeze of his clammy palm had Kili turning slowly to look at his brother. Fili’s eyes were a stormy grey with a sadness that was palpable to the brunet who gazed back with an equally lost gaze. Kili quickly looked away, feeling the hot sting of tears at the corners of his eyes, and watched the pine trees whirring past them through the window. Behind him he heard Fili breathe out a heavy sigh.

"We’re here," Their mother turned their old, beat up Honda into the parking lot of Lorien University. The shocks gave their usual whine as she came to stop in a far parking space.

The campus, from where Kili could see, looked beautiful; all clean and covered in lush grass and manicured shrubs. But he didn’t care to see any of the rest of it. This place was evil. It was stealing his brother away from him for three years at least. The younger felt he was allowing himself to sink into an outright sulk, but he didn’t care and crossed his arms all the same. 

"You coming, Kee?" The elder blonde nudged his little brother, looking nothing short of a scared child realizing their parents can’t come with them to kindergarten.

"I think I’m going to stay here…" Kili replied bitterly, not bothering to cast a glance at his lover.

"What?" Fili looked completely hurt.

Dis, who had already hopped out of the car and popped the trunk came around the side of the car and stuck her head in through the window. “Fili, Kili, get out of the car and come help me with the bags.” She furrowed her brow slightly at the looks on the boys’ faces, but decided to let it go for now. Fili quickly hopped out of the car, ever the golden child.

"I don’t want to go, mom." The slim brunet curled up into a ball in his seat and laid on his side, staring blankly into the front of the car.

"Well, too bad," She sighed, a bit exasperated by her youngest’s drama queen act and leaned in through the open door. "Your brother and I can’t carry all these bags and boxes by ourselves."

"So?" Kili quipped. "I’m not staying here. I’m not going off to college. Why should I help? You shouldn’t have packed more shit than you could carry."

"Kili Durin!" Dis’ cheek flushed with irritation. "First off, young man, language! Secondly, get your ass out of the car you respingător pentru sugar! [annoying little infant]"

"Sugi pula [blow me]…" Kili rolled his eyes.

"Kili—!"

"Ma, mă ocup eu de asta. [I’ll handle this]" Fili pulled his mother, who was veritably fuming, gently out of the way and leaned in to address his little brother. "Kili?" 

"Dispari, pula bleaga! [Fuck off, limp dick]." Kili wasn’t really mad at Fili, he couldn’t even pinpoint why he was mad in the first place.

"Asta nu e ceea ce ai spus aseară, rahat mic [That’s not what you said last night, you little shit.]." Fili chuckled at the tantrum his little brother was throwing right now.

Kili visibly bristled, blushing from underneath his collar up to his hairline, at Fili’s cheeky remark. He still refused to move or uncross his arms.

"This is the last time I’m going to see you for a very long time, Kee," The elder knew he was pulling one of his mother’s guilt trips, but he didn’t seem to have any other options at this point. " Can’t the last time I get to see you be with a smile on your beautiful face?"

"…you’re acting like this is last time I’m going to see you ever." Kili mumbled, softening slightly. "You’ll be home for Christmas right?"

"If I said yes, will you get out of the car?" The lean blonde, sighed, shaking his head of golden curls and dreads, the beads clacking together. 

~

A few moments later, Kili found himself wondering down the dormitory halls, a box of sheets with completely legal things wrapped up inside them under his arm, trying to help Fili find his new room. So far, he was very unimpressed by the state the dorms were in; messy, chipping paint here and there, nothing special. 

"Here it is, Kili." Fili nudged a heavy, wooden door on the other side of the hall with his elbow. 

The slender brunet followed his brother into the empty room. It was very basic, painted a pale yellow color, with two small desks and beds pushed up against the wall on both sides of the room. 

"Looks like I’m the first one here," Fili smiled faintly," Guess that means I get to choose which side I want." He plopped his belongings down onto the bed furthest from the door. The aging springs gave a squeak of protest as Fili sat on the edge of the bed. "Its not the best, but…" He shrugged.

"Where’s mom?" The younger looked around quickly, suddenly realizing their mother had disappeared. She had just been behind them, helping carry Fili’s luggage.

"I told her to give me a moment with you." The elder rose off the bed and took the box from the young brunet, setting it with the other box on the bed. "We already said our good byes this morning. I wanted more time with you though…"

Kili felt his lip begin to tremble as his deep, sable eyes affixed upon his big brother’s beautiful, glowing face. He looked down to the floor, inhaling a deep, calming breath before he spoke. “We said our good byes last night, I don’t think there’s much more to say.” Kili crossed his arms defensively across his chest, curling in on himself, trying to make himself seem as small as possible.

Fili closed the distance between them with a few strides and crushed Kili to his chest in a tight embrace. “I love you, Kili. I love you so much.” The blonde’s voice wavered slightly. “I promise I’ll be home as soon as I can. I’ll come see you, I promise.”

The dam of tears the brunet had been holding burst forth and he, once again, found himself clinging to his beloved brother, sobbing uncontrollably. “Fili—” He couldn’t think of what to say. Everything he wanted to say had already been said, but somehow it felt okay to not say anything in that moment.

"I have something for you." The elder turned and rummaged through one of his bags and pulled out a small box with a rainbow ribbon tied around it.

Kili huffed a laugh at the ribbon choice before taking the box. “But, I didn’t bring anything for you…can I open it?”

"Of course, I wouldn’t give you a present and make you wait. You’d die from anticipation." Fili loving poked Kili’s cheek.

Kili wrinkled his nose as he tugged at the ties and opened the box quickly. Nestled inside, amongst a bit of tissue paper, was a brand new iPhone. The brunet felt his mouth open and close a few times soundlessly. He had been wanting a phone for a while now, but their mother could never afford such a luxury.

"Fili…big brother…how?"

"Well, I’m glad you like it." Fili chuckled, genuinely for the first time in a couple of days. "I bought it with some of the money I’ve been saving up. I have enough to pay for the bill until I can find a job here, I think."

"But, where’s your’s?" Kili cocked his head as he looked his brother over.

Fili produced his own phone from one of the many pockets of his cargo pants. “I already programmed my number into your phone. But I do need one other thing.”

"What?" The younger cocked his head again, still in shock over his new, and very expensive, phone.

The toned blonde reached out and wrapped an arm around the slender brunet’s waist, pulling him in. He nuzzled Kili’s nose with his own before placing a sweet kiss to the younger’s lips.

Kili’s eyes went wide at Fili’s brazenness before he melted into the kiss. Probably the last one they would share for a long time. He jumped slightly as a flash went off in his periphery. “H-hey!” He broke the kiss, looking around.

The elder sibling laughed again. “I just needed a cute picture to look at when I’m missing you.” He showed Kili his phone. A cute photo of them, kissing tenderly, looking like any two normal lovers might, glowed on his screen.

The younger felt a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “We look normal…like anybody else.” Kili felt fresh tears welling up in his eyes.

"And as long as we’re here, we are normal. No one will know that you’re my brother. You’ll just be…my boyfriend." Fili’s cheeks turned the sweetest shade of apple red as he spoke, looking down and scratching at his dreads bashfully.

Kili felt his shoulders rising up to his ears and he knew he was blushing just as bad as Fili was. “Boyfriend?”

"Yeah…if you’ll have me." Fili opened his arms, gesturing to himself before reopening them.

"Idiot," Kili hugged Fili tight, leaning his head against the blonde’s warm chest, listening to the steady drum of his heart. Its more like, if you’ll have me. But he kept his thoughts to himself. “I want you to send me that pic later…” He leaned up, standing on tip toe, and pressed his lips into Fili’s.

The two stood there, lost in their own little world, giving each other little, sweet pecks, before a cough interrupted them. They immediately pulled apart, feeling and acting guilty by reflex.

"Uhm, hi," A tall, very slim brunet boy stood at the door, a few boxes stacked up in his arms. He smirked knowingly as he walked into the room and sat his things on the other bed.

"Oh, ah, hi." Fili proferred his hand. "I’m Fili and this is my, uh,"

"Its cool, I understand." The newcomer smiled brightly, tossing almost black, waist length locks over his shoulder before offering Fili his hand. "I’m Lindir. And you are?" He offered his hand to Kili.

"Oh!" Kili nearly tripped over himself to take Lindir’s hand. "I’m Kili." He shook it slowly before pulling back and taking Fili’s hand subconsciously, as he always had since he was little and feeling nervous around new people.

"Your names are so cute!" The raven haired boy laughed sweetly. "What are the chances that you and your boyfriend would have such similar names? Are they your real names?"

"Yeah," Fili smiled nervously, scratching the back of his neck. "Some coincidence, huh?"

Kili could not help smiling when Lindir had called them “boyfriends.”

~

After a few more secret kisses and drawn out good byes, Kili found himself climbing back into his mother’s rundown car and heading home. He turned the music up louder than usual to drown out the sound of his mother’s sniffling. He felt so hollow he did not have the strength to comfort someone else right now.


	3. I'll Miss Our Little Talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I had to change some of the tags for this one as it could be very triggering due to homophobic attitudes and family arguments/ separation. Sorry again that this is another angsty, sad chapter. The next few will be better for the boys. Promise.

The school year started with little notice on Kili’s end. He became a sophomore and took on a few extra classes to fill up his lonely evenings with mind numbing school work. He craved the monotony of his days; wake up, brush teeth,get dressed, go to school, come home, homework, sleep. Day in day out. 

The house felt so empty without his smiling older brother wandering about the house looking after them all. Kili felt that the small home had become cavernous with just him and his mother. Every sound seemed to echo and reverberate, attune with the emptiness in the youth’s chest. 

The small brunet fished into his pocket for his phone. He stared lovingly at the screen, the picture of him and Fili kissing displayed on the lockscreen, before unlocking it. He tried very hard not to call his brother every day, but he was feeling so lonely…

"Hello? Fili?"

"Hey, lover." Fili drawled into the phone, Kili could hear the confident smirk in his voice.

"L-lover?" The young brunet felt his face flushing. Fili had never called him something so mushy before.

Fili laughed. “How are you doing today, babe?”

Kili bit his lip, trying to hide the smile forming across his face. “I’m good. Just had a rough day, I guess…I don’t think I did so well on my trig test today…”

"You always think you do bad on tests," Fili chuckled quietly again. "And you always do exceptionally well on them."

Kili could not help the smile that spread across his face this time. “Maybe,” he giggled. “So…are you still coming out here next week?” Thanksgiving was about a week away and Kili was looking forward to seeing his big brother even if it was only for a couple of days.

"Ah, about that," The elder blonde’s voice faded off.

Kili felt his heart drop into his stomach.

"My friend that was going to drive me has some make up work to catch up on, so he’s staying here through Thanksgiving. I’m sorry, Kee…" Fili’s voice trailed off again.

"I…I, uh see…" The younger tried so hard not to cry, taking deep breaths, nostrils flaring with each exhale. "I understand." He cursed inwardly at the tremble belying his true feelings.

"Hey…don’t cry," The blonde cooed into the phone. The guilt was tangible in his discouraged voice. "There’s still Christmas—"

"I hate being in this empty house…" Kili whispered into the receiver, tears falling silently from his big, brown eyes.

"…Kili…" Fili let out a long, helpless sigh. 

Kili immediately felt guilty.

"Pretend I’m there with you." The blonde breathed calmly. "Close your eyes, lay back on your bed, and pretend I’m there holding your hand." 

Kili faintly heard his mother moving about downstairs, the floorboards creaking and echoing up the staircase. The brunet bit his trembling lip, trying to stomp out the sobs threatening to break free from his throat. The squeaking was haunting, making his room once again feel like a big, dark cave. 

"Feeling a little better?" Fili asked hesitantly, as if he were coaxing a little rabbit to eat from his hand.

"…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you…"

" You didn’t answer me."

"…" Kili breathed deeply once more. "I-I’ll deal…"

"You shouldn’t have to deal—" Fili growled, startling the younger. "I’m sorry, Kili…"

"Its okay…good night." Kili could not keep the waver out of his voice any longer. His heart hurt. It hurt all the time, aching to be with its other half, cursed the distance between them.

"Good night." The elder spoke softly. 

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Forever?"

"Forever."

~

"Kili? Are you almost done with the decorations? I need a hand in the kitchen!" Dis’ stressed voice called out through the thick, warm smells pouring out of the kitchen. 

"Almost!" Kili merrily chirped, the first time he had done anything "merrily" in a few months. But he had reasons to be happy. Fili was coming home. Coming to him. 

"Hurry please! The gravy is starting to burn!" A string of Romanian curses followed his mother’s request.

The slender youth chuckled to himself as he reached up on tip toe to tack the last, and most important, decoration above the doorway leading to the dining room. Kili smiled, pleased with himself, as he eyed his handiwork. 

The house was covered in colorful, twinkling lights, garland and bells. Every available surface had been covered with some sort of Christmas knick-knack or another. He grabbed a handful of wreath and bell shaped confetti and sprinkled it along the red, gold, and green plaid tablecloth. 

"Coming!" Kili sauntered into the kitchen, easily sliding around his mother to stick his finger in the sugar topping for the _cozonac_. 

"Kili! Little dobitoc [beast]! Keep those grubby fingers out of the sugar!" Dis huffed as she opened the oven to check on the roast pig. It smelled heavenly and looked crispy and delicious.

"Sorry, sorry" Kili droned in a mock of an apology. "What do you need?"

"Start taking stuff into the dining room. Start over there with the _mamaliga_.” She pointed a finger at the covered dish of corn porridge.”And take the beans out too…and the salad.”

Kili dutifully grabbed the serving bowls and proceeded to take them out of the kitchen wordlessly. His mind was racing of thoughts of Fili. Fili’s hair. Fili’s scent. Fili’s touch. He jumped when he heard the door push open in the foyer.  _Fili._

The brunet’s heart pounded hard in his chest as a completely irrational nervousness swept over him. He just stared, doe eyed, at the entryway, palms sweaty and limbs trembling with anticipation of seeing that blonde head pop around the corner.

Fili shuffled in, a duffle bag on one shoulder and his signature alapaca pack on the other. The blonde dropped his bag unceremoniously to the floor, his back to the dining room. He shrugged out of his heavy parka, revealing a thick, cozy sweater underneath, his snow boots and knit hat followed suit. Finally, finally, he turned, casting his gleaming, azure eyes around the room until they fell upon the slender brunet silently watching him from across the room.

"Kili…"

The name was spoken with such tenderness, such simple joy, that Kili’s heart pounded with it, and he clasped a hand to his aching chest.

"Fili…" It was little more than a breath falling from the younger’s full lips. He stood stock still, hoping that the golden man before him was not just some vision, a dream that would crumble if he moved. Kili felt tears well up in his eyes as all of his emotions bubbled to the surface.

The elder strode across the room with heavy steps and grasped his little brother’s wrist. He pulled the brunet into a crushing embrace, burying his nose in the raven locks and inhaling deeply. His large hands roamed all over Kili’s body, almost as if he were trying to relearn the other’s feel beneath his fingers. Fili cradled the back of Kili’s head, lovingly pressing and holding the smaller to his chest.

"I have missed you." Fili whispered.

Kili sobbed, overcome with joy at having Fili so close. He could not form words in his mouth to express everything he was feeling but he managed a quiet “I’m so happy-!” whispered into the crook of his big brother’s neck.

As the two pulled apart, lips itching for a long, too long, awaited kiss, Dis shuffled into the dining room, more covered dishes in hand. The two brothers quickly stepped back from each other. Kili hung his head sheepishly and rounded the table, distancing himself from his mother and her raised brow at the close proximity of her sons. He fiddled with decorations and plates, hoping the moment would be forgotten.

"Fili! My bijuterie [gem]!" She reached her chubby arms up, standing almost a foot shorter than her eldest, to wrap them tightly about Fili’s neck. "Inima mea a fost dor de tine așa! [My heart has missed you so!]"

"Oh, am fost dor de tine, Ma [Oh, I have missed you as well, Ma]!" He returned her fierce hug and kissed both of her rosy cheeks.

"How have you been, bijuterie? Come, come! Sit and eat and tell Mama all about it." Dis motioned for the boys to sit at the table.

They talked amicably as they served themselves and ate. Fili and Dis, for the better part of the evening, ruled the conversation. Fili talked about college life, how his psychology courses were going and about all the new friends he had made while he was away.

Kili merely listened, just contented to be surrounded once again by Fili’s light and laughter. He felt admittedly bad about himself hearing what all his older brother had managed to accomplish in such short months. He had mostly kept to himself and wallowed in self pity whenever he got the chance. The brunet cocked his head as he mulled things over in his mind.

"Well, I am going to turn in for the night. I think I have had just a little too much wine," Dis hiccuped as she rose from her chair, the desert of wine and _cozonac_ long finished. “Good night boys.” She kissed each of them atop their heads and half waddled, half stumbled down the hall, leaving the two boys smiling and shaking their heads at the table.

The younger turned his smile to the elder. “I’m glad you’re home.” He spoke softly, reaching a hand out and covering Fili’s with it shyly. 

"Me too, Kee." Fili smiled warmly, leaning across the table to finally kiss Kili’s inviting lips. 

Kili savored the feel of Fili’s lips sliding across his, sighing to himself with the rightness of it all. He placed a hand to his brother’s cheek, gliding fingertips along Fili’s golden stubble. Kili yelped when the blonde broke their kiss to lift the brunet out of his chair and carry him up the stairs like a bride.

“P-put me down!” Kili squirmed.

“I don’t think so, little bird.” Fili smiled, big and dopey as he made his way up the stairs. The elder kept placing gentle kisses to the younger’s face and neck, anywhere his lips could reach. Once they finally reached the top of the steps, Fili pushed his bedroom door open with his foot and plopped Kili down onto the bed, the springs squeaking slightly.

Kili looked up at the blonde with wide eyes as he crawled over top of him; he felt so inexplicably nervous. Would Fili still be the same? Would he remember how to please Fili? The brunet worried his full bottom lip between his teeth.

“You’re so beautiful,” Fili leaned forward, recapturing his little brother’s lips once again. With the same leisurely pace as before, he traced the brunet’s full lips with the tip of his tongue and lapped at the slight part.

“Aah!” The brunet let out a soft gasp, clutching at his brother’s sweater. He tugged at it whimpering, “Too many clothes…”

"I agree completely." A seductive smile spread across Fili’s full lips, highlighting sexy dimples covered with freckles. He tugged the hem of his collar, pulling the garment over his head and knocking his bun loose, sending golden dreads cascading around their faces.

Kili laughed, breathy and light. Seeing Fili’s nude chest filled him with an almost forgotten giddiness that had his heart pounding with lust and his body trembling with need. It took all of his restraint to stay still while his big brother slowly and languidly unbuttoned his shirt, revealing his heated, fair skin. He was so desperate, he did not feel the usual sting of embarrassment over his body.

"God, I missed this…missed you…" Fili spoke quietly as he ran a hand down his little brother’s soft flesh, blue eyes raking over the brunet with an intense glint. He leaned over the younger and kissed him roughly, claiming his mouth and rubbing their bare chests together.

"Fili—! Please!" Kili lifted his hips, pressing them into the elder, his hardened member aching as it rubbed against the blonde’s hard thigh. 

"Don’t worry," Fili rasped, "I’m going to devour you…" The blonde licked his lips in a way that had Kili feeling short of breath as he placed wet, open mouthed kisses to the younger’s chest and neck. He growled low in his throat as he bit a rosy nipple.

"Fuck!" Kili yelped. He was so sensitive he could barely stand it. Every touch was like electricity coursing through his skin, heating him down to his bones. 

"You’ve gotta be quiet if you want me to keep going, sweetness." Fili purred, laving his tongue over hardened nipples. He ran fingertips down the younger’s taught abs, through the coarse trail of curls leading downwards. "You ready for more?"

"Yes, Fili…" Kili breathed out, nails digging into tan skin, leaving reddened crescent marks. He choked, mid-moan, as his brother’s deft fingers slid down inside his maroon skinny jeans, giving him teasing pets and light touches.

"Tell me…" Fili whispered, burying his face into dark locks, breathing deeply again. He flicked his tongue over the brunet’s ear lobe before speaking again. "Tell me how badly you want me…" He grasped his little brother’s hot cock through his briefs. "…how often you’ve touched yourself, thinking of this exact moment."

Kili whimpered. He did not want to say that he had pleasured himself almost every night, jerking himself to completion with images of Fili dancing through his mind. He felt himself flush from forehead to chest as he quavered out “Often…very often…” His mind was going blank as his big brother stroked his twitching prick. “Mmm, jeans…they’re too tight…”

"I’ve done the same…I can’t keep you out of my mind." Fili smirked as he sat up and made quick work of his brother’s jeans and underwear. He inhaled a sharp breath through his nose, pupils dilating as he gazed with naked lust at the slender, blushing brunet before him. The blonde slid out of his own pants and laid himself back over his brother, slotting their sexes together perfectly.

Kili keened as they began grinding their hips into each other, the friction delicious and tantalizing, yet not enough. He needed more, wanted to go faster. He felt so small, trapped beneath his toned brother. He loved it. Loved how strong Fili was. It made him feel safe.

"Kili…" The elder spoke his name reverently, always worshipful, as if Kili were a taste of something divine. "Will you let me love you? Make _you_ feel good?”

Dark brows knitted together, lips pouted wonderfully as Kili pondered for a moment what exactly his big brother meant, before nodding his head. Immediately, he felt the elder slip down his body, attacking his high hip bones with voracious kisses. He could not stop his hips from bucking as Fili pumped his hardened length.

The elder ran a tongue down the underside of the younger’s shaft, lapping at his soft, plump stones, before going further back, licking at his pink, puckered entrance. He hummed out his pleasure, as if the brunet’s flavor was the best thing he had ever tasted. 

The slim brunet jumped at the new sensation. It felt a little strange at first, but as he calmed himself down, it began to feel better and better. The rough flat of Fili’s slick tongue skating over the tightness between Kili’s cheeks slowly overwhelmed him. He panted heavily, grasping at the sheets and biting down on his own tongue until it bled. Kili was so eager, so ready for something to fill him, that he hardly reacted when his brother slid the tip of his tongue inside him. It just felt so good.

"Alright?" Fili asked, coming up for a brief breathe. He teased the younger’s sack with his fingers and licked the precum at the head of his swollen cock.

"Better than alright." Kili replied, breathy and excited. "I think I want more…"

"Ah, I don’t—" Blonde brows scrunched together.

"Please?" The brunet pleaded softly, gazing up through his long lashes.

Fili jaw flexed as he clenched and unclenched his teeth, eyes narrowed, fixed on his little brother’s face. “Fuck.” He snorted and shook his head.

Kili bit his lip to suppress the smile threatening to form. His mouth fell open, full lips parted, as the blonde’s mouth descended down his cock to the root. He had forgotten just how good this felt; no memory could compare. He moaned audibly as Fili stroked the pad of his thumb over his tight hole. 

Fili fumbled with something just underneath the edge of his mattress before producing a bottle of scented massage oil. As he poured some onto his fingers, the smell wafted over the room. Nag champa , maybe? Kili only had a second to think about it before he felt a finger slowly pushing inside of him. It was a slow burn, skin pushing against skin, but as the finger moved deeper, it hit something delicious inside of him. Kili felt like his whole body must have come up off the bed and he forgot how to speak, how to take a breath.

"You okay, Kee?" Fili’s liquid steel gaze was full of concern. He stilled his finger inside his brother, refusing to move until he got some sort of permission.

Kili rolled his hips, ending with a harsh snap, effectively pushing his brother’s finger deep inside of him and once again hitting that amazing place. “Ooh~!” His long held breath came out as a long moan.

"Slow down." Fili huffed a little laugh again at his little brother’s eagerness. He withdrew his finger an inch or so before pressing it back inside. "How’s that?" The blonde’s lips moved against the brunet’s throbbing length as he spoke. 

"G-good!" Kili felt that familiar heat pooling within himself at an alarming speed. Whatever Fili had found inside of him, it was turning him into a bundle of nerves, body frantic for release. "I’m gonna come! Shit!" The younger repeated the word, the only one he seemed capable of saying at this point, over and over as his release hit him. He felt Fili latch onto the head of his prick, sucking shot after shot of his seed right out of him, as his finger continually pressed into that place inside of him. 

Fili rose from his place between Kili’s legs, the younger’s softening sex slipping from his mouth, and licked his lips in that devilish manner again. “That good, huh?” He teased.

"Sh-shut…up…" Kili panted. His body was still shuddering and shaking from the strength of his orgasm. He felt drained; he was not sure if he had the strength to return the favor at this point.

The fit blonde moved up beside his brother and pulled him to his chest. “You okay, babe?” He asked as he ran his hands through deep, chestnut strands. 

"Yeah. That was amazing." Kili smiled, sated and warm. "Let me do you." He motioned to climb on top of his big brother and was quickly pushed back onto his back. 

"Don’t worry about it for now. Sleep for a few hours and if you feel like it, we’ll worry about me then. I know how drained you’re feeling right now." He kissed Kili’s cheek and lips gently.

Kili only allowed himself to ponder for just a moment who had done this to Fili that he would know how exhausting it was. He shook his head. “Are you sure? I feel bad…”

"Don’t. I’m perfectly happy. Making you feel good, makes me feel good, too. So don’t worry." Fili smiled one of his big, heart melting smiles.

Kili fell asleep with that smile playing over and over in his mind.

~

Fili meandered into the kitchen blearily and shirtless, attracted to the smell of fresh coffee. He tugged his sleep pants up, making sure they were not hanging obscenely low on his hips. When he rounded the corner, he saw his mother rushing about, getting ready for work. “Got called in?” The blonde asked politely, pouring himself a cup of coffee with honey and cream stirred in

"I’m sorry, my darling. I wanted this to be family time." She sighed, double checking that all her dark brown hair was twisted up into a careful bun. As one of the head nurses, she was always on call and with the amount of snow they had gotten this year, she found herself leaving unexpectedly quite often. "I’ll probably be gone all night, but I will try and get home early if I can. There’s leftovers in the fridge and don’t get into the wine. _Again_.” She waved as she closed the door behind her. 

Fili rested back against the countertop, coffee cup in hand as he waved his mother off. He leaned back slightly to make sure her old clunker was going to make it out of the driveway. The blonde smiled to himself, glancing at the clock. It was well after one in the afternoon; they had really slept in.

He took a moment to reminisce on what had happened last night and early, early that morning. Kili had been a live wire, full of ardor, as he had once again deep throated him like only an angel could have. He laughed a little to himself. 

“Mornin’” A sleepy voice spoke softly from the door of the kitchen. Kili shuffled in, rubbing sleep-heavy eyes. He looked around for a moment. “Is mom gone? I thought I heard the door…”

“Yeah, she got called in.” Fili pulled his little brother in for hug, laying him against his chest.

Kili stood there for a long while, wrapping slim arms around his big brother’s waist, enjoying the feel of his muscled chest against his cheek. Fili did not seem to mind, drawing nonsensical patterns over his back as he drank his coffee.

“Wanna go watch some Christmas movies? Nearly every channel is marathoning them.” The elder huffed a sarcastic laugh.

“Sure,” The young brunet made his own cup of coffee, mixing in a packet of hot cocoa, and shuffled after the blonde into the living room.

Kili plopped onto the sofa, setting his cup down on the coffee table and laid on his side, curled in a ball. He watched as Fili flipped through the channels before deciding on the old clay-mation Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. It had been one of their favorites as children. Kili had watched it so many times that the tape broke.

The younger squeaked in shock as the elder took a running leap onto the sofa, jostling him roughly, before settling in behind him. Once again, Fili was without a shirt but burning hot to the touch. Kili shivered as his brother wrapped one of those muscular, warm arms around him.

"W-what if mom sees us like this?" The brunet was blushing horribly again.

"Don’t worry, we’ll hear her old beater before it can get around the corner." Fili kissed his forehead and rested his head lightly atop Kili’s. "There’s nothing to worry about."

"Okay…" Kili bit his lip, but forced himself to stop being such a worry-wart and enjoy the show and the closeness of his brother.

~

When Kili opened his eyes again, the clock on the DVD/VCR player read 12:07. They had somehow managed to sleep the rest of the day away. He reached behind him and poked Fili. “Hey, wake up.” 

"Hmm?" Fili mumbled sleepily. 

"Its passed midnight. We should get up." Kili tried to disentangle himself from both Fili and the blanket and managed to land ungracefully on the floor with a thud. "Oww…"

"Where’d you go?" A blonde head popped up, suddenly alert. He peered over the edge of the sofa. "What are you doing down there?"

Kili just sighed and rolled his eyes, glimpsing the decoration pinned to the door frame in the dining room. “Hey, I want to give you my gift before mom gets home.” He pushed himself up quickly and dug through the packages and pine needles beneath their Christmas tree. “Here it is. C’mon~” He pushed at his lazy big brother still lounging on the couch.

"Okay, okay. I guess its technically Christmas now." He rose more slowly than Kili, muscles rippling beneath golden skin. Kili gulped. He walked over to his bag and pulled out a small package.

"Uh, the dining room." The brunet pointed, mouth suddenly a bit dry. Or maybe, it was watering?

"Why the dining room?" Fili quirked a blonde eyebrow upwards, a small smile forming at the corner of his mouth.

"Y-you’ll see," Kili mumbled, making his way over. "Here. This is for you." He blushed as he handed the meager gift over to his beloved big brother. 

Fili smiled warmly and wrapped an arm around his sweet little brother. “Thank you.” He opened the brown parcel paper  carefully and slid the thin box out of the bottom. Inside were several wooden beads of various colors, shapes and sizes. “More beads for my dreads!” He laughed genuine and loud. He squeezed Kili tighter.

"I..ah, I made…them." The younger looked down shyly at his sock feet.

"What?! Really?" Fili’s jaw dropped in the cutest display of utter bewilderment and admiration Kili had ever seen. "I love them even more now!" He kissed the top of the younger’s head. "Here’s your’s. It isn’t much, but…"

"Thank you." Kili smiled softly. He untied the bright string and unfolded the white paper. It was a stack of CDs.

"Special mixes made by your’s truly!" Fili jutted a thumb at himself, grinning impishly.

"What are these titles, Fee?!" The brunet asked incredulously. "Songs For Me To Go Down On You To? Songs For Getting Hand Jobs To? F-Fee!" Kili was beet red from ears to nose.

"I think you’ll find "Songs To Jerk Off To While Thinking Of Me" particularly good." The blonde chuckled.

"Thanks," Kili quipped sarcastically. "I love them." He said more softly. 

"Now will you tell me why the dining room?" The elder looked around the room. 

"Look up…" The younger pointed again. 

Above them was a small bunch of mistletoe wrapped in ribbon. Tinkling bells dangled downwards to alert everyone when someone walked beneath it. 

"You’re so cute, Kee…" Fili snugged his brother up against him and cupped his cheek. Just before they kissed, he whispered "Merry Christmas, lover."

Kili barely managed to reply with a “Merry Christmas” of his own.  
  


They did not hear the door slowly open and quietly click shut.

~

"Fili?" Dis’ voice was quiet, like the whisper of an impending summer storm and filled with just as much heat. Fili knew what that tone meant.

"Yes, Ma?" Once again, he had risen before his little brother and strode into the kitchen for his morning coffee. 

"We need to talk." Her dark brows were furrowed, a deep worry line creasing her forehead. "I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just going to come out and say it." She took a deep breath, steadying herself. "Fili…last night…"

Oh. Fuck. Fili swallowed the mouthful of coffee he had just taken, trying not to spit it out everywhere. It scalded his constricting throat.

"I saw  _it_. I saw,” she kept her eyes downcast, as if she were hoping it were all a bad dream. A result of exhaustion. “my boys kissing. Not like brothers. Kissing like adults…like  _lovers._ ”

Fili’s eyes were wide, his chest rising and falling more quickly. “Ma—”

"No…no, Fili. I do not want to hear excuses. I know what I saw." Dis’ dark eyes finally rose from the floor and fixed upon her eldest, boring holes into him. "What I want to know is why and what else have you two been doing? And do not lie. I think you owe me the truth." Her voice was thick with worry and hurt.

Fili closed his eyes, head hung in shame as he recanted, with some omission, the exact nature of his and Kili’s relationship. He felt so dirty voicing it out loud. He was nineteen and Kili was only fifteen; what he was doing to his little brother could be called rape. He was also felt like he was somehow betraying Kili, laying all their secrets bare without his consent. Kili would have died of shame on the spot, he realized, and found himself feeling a little relieved that Kili was not there, but sleeping soundly in his room.

His mother’s round face blanched of all color the longer he carried on. Her brown, almond shaped eyes, Kili’s eyes, filled with tears. Dis placed a hand to her mouth, trembling like the last leaf of autumn clinging to the tree against winter’s wind. “My babies!” She sobbed. 

"Ma…" Fili felt his own eyes brimming with tears as he reached out for her. He wanted to hold and comfort her, he could not bare seeing her cry. He was wounded further when she slapped his hands away from her. 

"Don’t. Opreste-te." She backed away from him, eyes looking off elsewhere, into the distance. "You have to stop. This is sin. This is madness! You have to promise me."

"But, Ma…" Fili squared his shoulders. placing a stoic mask over his face. "I love him."

"No you don’t! Vrei doar să-l spurca! [You just want to defile him!]" She yelled loudly, tears pouring down her reddened cheeks. "Esti un monstru![You are a monster!]" 

"Yes, I do. I love him. Îl iubesc mai mult decât mă iubesc pe mine. [I love him more than I love myself.]" Fili spoke low, serious.

"Taci! [Shut up!]" Dis came at him swinging, her chubby fists pounding against his chest and stomach.

"Mi-ar ucide pentru el. M-aș ucide pentru el, dacă am știut că l-ar face fericit. [I would kill for him. I would kill myself for him if I knew it would make him happy.]" Fili continued. 

"Stop!" Dis screamed. She collapsed on him, sobs wracking her shorter frame. Fili tried once more to wrap his arms around her, but she stepped back from him, wiping her eyes, her mouth set in a firm line. "Then you are not welcome here. I will not have a monster in my home." Her voice was dripping with a loathing he did not think his mother capable of.

"Can I at least say good bye? Kili will—" 

"No. I don’t think that is a good idea." Dis snapped.

"Ma—"

"I said no. Please leave." She pointed a heavy arm towards the door.

Fili’s brow furrowed, his body shaking with rage. Had he known a mother’s love was so finite, he would not have wasted so many years trying to please her and make her proud of him. 

"Acest lucru nu va face sa il mai iubesc. _Nimic_ din ceea ce spune sau face ar putea face vreodată mă opresc să-l iubească. [This won’t make me stop loving him. Nothing you say or do could ever make me stop loving him.]” He rounded on her, spewing words harshly through clenched teeth. He gathered up his few belongings and stalked out the door, slamming it shut behind him.

~

"Ma? Where’s Fili?" Kili woke to his mother sitting at the dinner table, hands clenching a long cold cup of coffee, eyes hard with a dark emotion he could not place. "Ma?"

"He left. He had to go." She spoke mechanically, cold.

"What?" Fili would not just leave, days early of what he had planned, without saying anything? Without saying anything to _him?_

 _“_ He had to leave!” Dis snapped at her youngest.

Kili flinched at the harshness in his mother’s voice. “Okay. I’ll go call him and see if—”

"NO!" She commanded, forbade him, with one word.

Kili quickly turned on his heel, tears threatening the corners of his eyes. He snuck off to his room on quiet feet and pulled out his secret phone, quickly unlocking it. He dialed his big brother, his lover, with lightening speed. Fili would never do this to him, no matter what. He knew it.

It rang for several seconds before Fili answered. “Hello?”

"Fili?" Kili’s voice was thick with panic. Something had to be wrong. Yes, that was it, a sudden emergency with a friend.

"Yeah, that’s me." Fili spoke just as icily as his mother had moments ago.

"What happened? What’s going on?" Kili whispered hurriedly, hoping his mother would not catch him. 

"I had to get out of there, Kee. Ma—" Fili paused, anguish in the low tone of his usually bright voice. "I was feeling smothered, Kili."

Kili’s skin prickled at this, dread washing over him. “Was mother bothering you?”

"Yes. She…she knows." Fili sighed on the other end.

Kili’s heart galloped and stopped all at once.

"She says I’m a monster, that I’m just trying to defile you." The elder spat acidly. "Fuck, she’s probably fucking right."

"What?" His voice wavered. "No, Fili, you love me. What we have is so much more…"

"She kicked me out. Won’t let me come back unless I promise to stop being with you…"

"Fili…" The younger whimpered. "..no…"

“Maybe…that’s how its supposed to be.” The blond whispered into the mouth piece.

“What?” Kili felt his chest constricting.

“Maybe the Universe wants us to be apart…” Fili’s voice was rough and pained.“Maybe it’s a sign…that you should move on.”

“Wh-what’re you saying, Fee?” The brunet’s chest rose and fell quickly, his breathing labored and panicky. “Are…are you…breaking up with me?” A morbid question he didn’t really want an answer to.

“…” The other end of the line went silent.

“Fili! For fuck’s sake say something!” Kili felt hot tears pouring down his face, dripping from his chin and falling onto the shaking hand clutching his pant leg.

After what felt like an eternity, the elder drew in a sharp breath. “Good bye, Kili.” The dial tone sounded.

“Fili? Fili?!” _No!_ The slight brunet rose on shaky legs, yelling into the phone. “Fili!! Fili!!” He dropped to his knees, a pain in his chest overwhelming him. _No no no!_ The sounds that came rattling up from deep within him, bloodcurdling, gut wrenching cries, were anything but human.

“Kili?! Kili, what’s wrong?” Dis barged into her youngest son’s room, roused by the inhuman screeching coming from within. She scooped him up into her lap, hugging him close. “Talk to me. What happened?”

Kili couldn’t hear any of it. Everything around him swiveled sickeningly, tilting on its broken axis, as he laid in his mother’s arms completely catatonic.


	4. Second Firsts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything feels like its fallen apart and Kili has never felt so alone. Maybe experiencing some firsts with someone new is exactly what he needs?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken me so long. I really don't have any excuses other than just being overly critical of myself. I hope those of you who were keeping up with this will be excited for the update. Comments are always appreciated. Apologies as well for the spelling and grammar errors, I'll try and fix them as I go along.

January 31st 2:34am

_"Hey."_

   “ _Hey”_

_"You okay?"_

_“Not really.”_

_"Anything I can do?"_

_“Be with me again…”_

_"Kee, you know I can’t"_

~~*~~

May 18th 3:47pm

_“How’s your day going?”_

_"Good. Just finished up with finals."_

_“Think you did okay?”_

_"Well enough, I guess"_

_"Wish you were here so we could celebrate."_

_“…me too…”_

_~~*~~_

May 25th 11:20pm

_"You alright?"_

_“I’m alive…”_

_~~*~~_

June 5th 12:02pm

_“Where you going this summer?”_

_"Camping."_

_“Cool. Where?”_

_"That place we visited last year. It my favorite."_

_“I see…”_

_~~*~~_

Shortly after June, the texts just stopped coming. Kili cared less and less whether or not he had his phone at hand, checked less often. He threw it into his satchel and rarely pulled it out during the day for anything other than to check the time. 

He stared at it now. He peered at his reflection in the blackened screen before pressing the power button. The screen lit up brightly, the picture of him and Fili kissing still the background. He hadn’t had the heart, didn’t want, to change it. But as winter became spring and spring turned to summer, Kili had finally decided that no matter what, Fili wasn’t coming back.

Kili took a deep breath as he scrolled through his gallery and finally selected an image of the ocean, deep blue waves, the color of his eyes, crashing onto the sand, the color of his tanned skin…he changed it again. This time he selected a single block of color. Just black. Perfect.

"Kili?" His mother’s voice carried up the stairs. "I’m going to the store, do you want anything."

The brunet sighed and shoved his earbuds into his ears, The Xx blaring into the hollow of his ear.

Ever since Fili had been “asked” to leave, Kili and his mother’s relationship had suffered greatly. He tried not to be in a room at the same time as her, tried to avoid running into her on his way to school, only left his room when he was sure she was gone or sleeping. He had come to really hate her. He didn’t want to, but he hurt. He hurt so much and it was her fault.

The thing of it all, he felt if she had just given him a reason, an answer just once in all the times he’d asked “why?”, he probably would have forgiven her. All she said was “It is sin.” and “I won’t have him breaking your heart like that.” There were days when he felt guilty. He’d look at her, see the weariness, the sadness, the hurt in the depths of their shared brown eyes, and he’d sympathize with her. But still, he felt like she was keeping something from him and he loathed her all the more for it.

~

Kili laid on the roof of the art room, the only building that had a ladder attached to it, and watched the clouds moving by. The summer had faded to autumn and now a light chill swept through the school grounds. He didn’t pay it much mind, his baggy cardigan keeping him warm. He often spent his lunch period like this. He wanted to be alone and craved his solitude more than food. He was a junior now.

"Hey, mind if I join you?"

Kili jumped and sat up at the sound of the unfamiliar voice. A boy with blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes was standing at the top of the ladder, just his head was poking up over the edge of the roof.

"I-I guess not. Not my roof." Kili tried to say nonchalantly. He’d never seen this boy around the school, he would have remembered.

"Thanks." The blonde smiled as he sat down beside Kili and rummaged through the pocket of his fitted, leather jacket.

There was an accent, quite thick, that Kili couldn’t place. Something European.He was tall and thin with high cheek bones and long almost platinum hair that was pulled up into a ponytail. His taste in fashion was very different from the usual as well. His designer jeans, tucked into motorcycle boots, fit him perfectly as did his tight, black t-shirt.

"Oh, I’m Legolas." The blonde proferred his hand, a broad smile still on his soft face.

"Kili." The brunet stated softly, quietly observing his guest.

Legolas finally pulled what he was searching for out of his pocket: a small pinner and a lighter. “Don’t mind do you?” His smile changed to something a little mischievous.

"N-no, not at all." Kili tried to say determinedly. He hadn’t really smoked since F—….

"Want a hit?" He took a long drag before passing the blunt to the shorter brunet.

"Sure. Thanks." Kili took a small hit, he wasn’t sure how to feel about being high at school.

"Just moved here from Sweden," Legolas said, unprompted. "Figure I can screw around  little on my first day." He winked. "Are any of your next classes important?" There was an invitation to remain here in the lilt of his soothing voice.

"Not really. I can skip." He didn’t know what it was exactly about Legolas that had him wanting to skip for the first time in his life, but it just felt right in the moment.

"How do you like this school, Kili?" The blonde asked amusedly as he took another hit.

The two sat and chatted lightly until they had finished off the small joint. They laid back onto the roof, gazing up at the sky, watching wisps of clouds drift by.

~

Since meeting on the roof, now two months ago, the two had shared every lunch together. Conversation flowed easily between them and Legolas didn’t ask him why he was sad or asked any hard questions at all really. It made Kili feel at ease for the first time in a long time.

Kili was surprised by how much they had in common. Legolas was a math wiz, like himself, but science was his self proclaimed strong suit. His father was part of a major car company and his business had taken him to America to talk negotiations. So, Legolas had followed him naturally. His mother and grandparents had passed when he was still small and he didn’t like being separated from his only living family.

"We should hang out this weekend." Legolas said while they were sitting on the roof once again.

"Really?" Kili was surprised at Legolas’ somewhat sudden invitation.

"Yes, I like you." Legolas turned pale. topaz eyes to the slender brunet’s face and smiled warm and sweet.

"Sure, I’d like that." And Kili smiled.

~

The weekend came a little too quickly for Kili’s liking. Legolas had invited him to come back to his place to watch a movie. Apparently his father had a huge, private movie theater in his basement that the young blonde was itching to try out.

His phone buzzed on his bed. “Hello?” Kili dropped the jeans he’d been holding to the floor.

"Hey! Kili!" Legolas said, loud and bright, into the receiver. "I’m out in drive way. Hurry up, slowpoke!"

"Ah, yeah, sorry, be right out." The brunet ended the call and huffed.

It didn’t matter what he wore, he told himself, he was just going to be sitting in the dark, watching a movie with a friend. He finally pulled on a pair of docker shorts, a thick sweater with green hues, and a pair of dark brown loafers. Good enough. 

Kili rushed down the stairs, grabbing his satchel off the banister as he went.

"Going out?" Dis’ voice echoed from the kitchen.

"Yeah." Kili stilled, staring off into the distance.

"Going to be home tonight?" She asked more quietly.

Kili sighed. “I’m just going to my new friend’s house to watch a movie. Should be home late. I’ll call if that changes.” He spoke firmly and stepped out the door quickly before his resolve could dissipate. He was not prepared for what awaited him outside.

In his driveway was a beast of a sports car. It was a sleek, gunmetal grey that gleamed in the late, evening light. The rims were a carbon black. The thing oozed sex appeal. Kili wasn’t even a car person, but even he was going a little weak in the knees over this particular bit of sultriness on wheels.

"Ya like?" Legolas piped in, leaning back against the side of the car, a hint of cockiness to the usual smile he always gave Kili.

"I think its safe to say its a bit more than ‘like’ I’m feel right now." Kili gaped at the car as he ran a hand along the door. "What is it?"

"My birthday present to me." The blonde laughed. "Its Koenigsegg Agera R. My dad let me customize it." He pulled the keys out of his pocket and pressed a button. The doors slowly lifted up and forward towards the front of the car.

Kili just stared. He was utterly impressed. He’d expected some used car like everyone else at his school drove, old and safe, when Legolas had said he would come pick him up, not this gorgeous luxury car.

"Wanna see how fast it can go?" Legolas asked, a daring glint in his eye.

The brunet studied the face of the youth before him, taking in his undeniable beauty and underlying fierceness. “Yes.”

~

Kili was happy that they had made it one piece. Legolas had taken the curves so sharp and so fast that he was sure that they flew as the skid resistant tires glided over the asphalt.

Kili was further impressed when they pulled up to Legoals’ “house.” More like a mansion. Good grief, it was huge! The blonde laughed and called it “The Estate” as he waved at the security camers attached to the gates for entry. The gates were big, ornate wrought iron with vines and leaves sculpted to tendril amongst the heavy white bars.

As they pulled in, the young brunet kept his face plastered to the window. The land that encompassed The Estate was sprawling and green with perfectly trimmed shrubberies lining the driveway. Huge willows hung with thick, heavy branches dotted here and there. Finally, the house came into view.It was an old, colonial inpsired home with tall, white colomns lining the front and long windows. At the center of the breeze way, a huge marble fountain, a mermaid with a shell, ran with blue tinted water. Outdoor lighting had been installed to highlight both the home face and the fountain. 

"Ready to go?" Legoals asked as he unbuckled himself.

"Oh! Ah, yes." Kili blushed; he realized he’d gotten lost gawping at the splendor.

"Great. I think father is home now, too…"The blonde trailed off, climbing out of the car.

Father? Kili thought to himself. He picked nervously at his cuticles as he followed Legolas up the steps and inside. The interior was a stark white with high ceilings and a beautiful crystal chandelier hung in the entryway. There were small marble busts adorning the banisters and sat atop white pedestals. 

"Don’t worry. Its not all so fancy. This is for impressing." The blonde nudged Kili playfully and took his hand leading him up the spiral staricase. "Pappa? Är du hemma? [Are you home?]" Legolas called out once they reached the landing. 

"Legolas?" A deep, booming voice answered from down one of the two hallways branching off from the staircase. "Jag är i min studie. [I’m in my study.]"

"This is the way." Legolas motioned for Kili to follow. "It’ll be quick and painless. Promise. Then we go watch movie." He whispered.

Kili nodded solemnly and trailed silently behind his friend into a spacious study. The last evening light poured into the room through tall, french windows. The warm light bounced off the gold accents of the curniture and dust motes flowing through the air. All in all, it was a space Kili could feel comfortable in. He loved the smell of the old and antique books on the shelves; he could have sworn he passed a first edition set of Sherlock Holmes along with some Edgar Allen Poe and a few others he didn’t recognize.

"Oh, you’ve brought a friend." Legolas’ father sat cross legged at his desk, leaning back in his chair, reading over some papers. He had the same, silky, platinum hair and icy blue eyes as his son. His face was sharper than Legolas’, all sharp angles and high cheek bones. He was wearing the bottom half a business suit, a delicate dove grey, a pressed, white shirt, and a burgundy tie.

"Yes, this is Kili. He has been helping me adjust to school here." Legolas placed a hand at the small of the small brunet’s back and urged him forward. 

"H-Hello." Kili’s voice trembled and he barely made eye contact.

"It is very nice to meet you," He rose as he spoke, and if he was intimidating before, he was borderline scary at his full height; he towered head and shoulders over Kili. "I’m Thranduil." He smiled, Legoals’ smile, and offered his hand to the young brunet.

"Nice to meet you." Kili said meekly.

"Please, don’t be shy." Thranduil shook Kili’s hand firmly, the grip of a well practiced businessman. "And please make yourself at home. My home is your’s." His smile warmed, broadening across his slender face and softening his sharp features.

"Thank you." Kili smiled shyly.  

"Well, you two run along then, I have some paperwork to catch up on." Thranduil turned and sat back at his desk as the two younger boys made their leave.

"See? Not so bad, right?" Legolas took Kili’s hand back again, winding their fingers together.

"N-no. He’s just…intimidating." Kili glances down at their locked fingers; his heart ached with moments longs passed. 

They wound their way down a few more hallways, a few narrow enough to have been secret passages, and finally came to the basement. Kili’s wasn’t surprised to find a small but fully equipped cinema. There was even a small concessions stand with a soda fountain and popcorn maker. By this point, Kili was a little too numb from all the new and all the grandeur to be too shocked. 

"You go get comfortable and I’ll start the popcorn and get the movie going." The blond bounded off up the small steps to the projection system in the back. "You are still good with Dawn of the Dead?"

"Yeah!" Kili called as he plopped down into the second row of seats.The chairs were big a plush, more like an armchair than the usual cinema seating. 

A moment later, Legolas came running around the end of the aisle and jettisoned into the chair beside Kili, popcorn and sodas in tow. “Just in time!” The blond laughed and passed the snacks.

~

Kili was a big fan of horror movies. He loved to be scared. But, that didn’t keep him from jumping at every little zombie sound and jumping out of his seat when the protagonists came close to being eaten. 

Half way thought the film, Kili felt a warm hand cover his on the armrest. He glanced sideways, a blush spreading across his cheeks. “Legolas?”

"You keep jumping." The young blond said nonchalantly. "I want you to know its okay. I’m here for you. I would never let zombies get you." Legolas winked, charming as ever.

Kili’s heart was pounding so hard in his chest, he could’ve sworn his friend could hear it too. Sure, he likes Legolas, likes him a lot actually, but this kind of like? Thoughts of holding Legolas’ hand, hugging him, burying his face in all that long blond hair, kissing his red lips, flashed through the brunet’s mind in a rapid fire. He couldn’t tear his gaze away from the other youth’s before him.

"Kili…" Legolas whispered softly, soothingly. He reached a pale hand out and brushed it against the brunet’s cheek before leaning over the arm of the chairs. His blue eyes roved over Kili’s face searching. 

The brunet swallowed hard. “Legolas…” It came out as both a statement and a question as Kili’s stomach flip-flopped with nerves. Then Legolas’ lips were on his. They were cool and smooth, like one of the marble busts in the foyer. 

Legolas’ lips slid effortlessly over Kili’s plum lower lip, biting it gently, eliciting a gasp from the brunet. The blond pulled the other closer to him and cupped his face, deepening the kiss.

Kili was so taken aback at first, he didn’t respond and sat rather dumbly while his best friend kissed him passionately. His brain seemed to kick start when Legolas pulled back for a breath. He reached out and grabbed at platinum strands with sudden desperation and pulled their bodies back together.

"Don’t stop-!" Kili rasped.

"Never…"Legolas smirked. He snaked his tongue into Kili’s mouth, stealing the breath right out of him. He reached around Kili and pulled a lever that reclined the arm chair.

Kili let out a little gasp as he fell backwards, but then Legolas was crawling on top of him, picking up their kiss without skipping a beat. The blonde’s scent was strong, some musky cologne on top of his own feral scent, and it had Kili’s head swimming. He reached up and wrapped his thin arms around his friend, kissing him back with equal passion.

"You are so sweet," Legolas sighed between kisses. He ran long, slender fingers down the brunet’s sides and up under the edge of his shirt. "May I?" 

Kili jumped slightly. Did he want…? He felt his heart thrumming in his chest, thought about how nice it was kissing Legolas and how hot his body was feeling just from kissing. He did. He wanted more. “Yes…please.” He said softly.

Legolas’ hands felt like ice against his heated skin as the blonde skimmed fingertips over the brunet’s ticklish ribs. He huffed a quiet laugh when Kili flinched. His blue eyes roved over Kili with a focused glint that had the other trembling with anticipation. He locked his crystalline gaze with amber eyes as he slowly toyed with one of Kili’s oh so sensitive nipples.

"Mmm!" Kili moaned low. He had forgotten how sensitive he was and how good it felt to be touched. He blushed when he realized how hard he was and that Legolas had to feel his hard on pressing into his stomach.

"Feel good, yeah?" The blonde nuzzled the other’s neck affectionately. "Do we need to slow down?" He kissed Kili’s cheeks softly.

"No, I want…more." Kili said shyly, quickly slinging an arm over his face to hide his crimson cheeks. 

"Hey, now." Legolas smiled as he pulled the brunet’s arm away from his flushed face. "Don’t cover that beautiful face. I want to see you." He purred lovingly. "What ‘more’ do you want? What is it mean?"

"Maybe," Kili looked around, trying to avoid those piercing blue eyes that were making him forget himself and his words. "Maybe we could, ah…jerk each other off?" He squeezed his eyes shut tight; he felt like he was going to explode from embarrassment.

"Jerk off? Like this?" The blonde made a jerking gesture over his groin.

"Yes. Jerk off means touch each other." Kili smiled, the cloud of nerves breaking way. He motioned to take his jeans off, but was stopped by hand placed over his own.

"Please, let me." Legolas smiled softly. "I have wanted this…wanted you, for a while now. I want to do the undressing." He gave Kili another sweet kiss before sliding his hand down the brunet’s lithe form and unbuttoning his shorts.

"Ah!" Kili inhaled sharply when he felt Legolas’ hand come in contact with his aching sex.

"Skit [shit]!" Legolas looked down between them at his friend’s throbbing prick. "Du är så vacker [You are so beautiful]…"

"Huh?" Kili reached between them and began working on the other’s zipper.

"Sorry," Legolas smirked sheepishly. "I said you’re beautiful. I mean it. So beautiful…" He leaned in and kissed Kili slowly, passionately.

The brunet managed to finally unfasten his friend’s pants and push them down. Legolas’ sex was long and slender just like the rest of him and looked utterly enticing to the young brunet. Kili licked his suddenly dry lips.

They watched each other closely, intently as they reached between their hot bodies to touch the other. Kili moaned loudly at the first pump from the blonde, his hips rocking up into the touch. Legolas groaned and buried his face in chocolate locks as Kili’s hand wrapped around his cock.

"I-I’m sorry—!" Kili whispered between erotic sighs and carnal groans. "I-I’m not going to last.." He hadn’t been touched in so long, it was overwhelming how fast he could feel himself building up to an orgasm.

"Don’t be sorry. I am close too…" Legolas smirked reassuringly. The blonde’s hand stroked faster as his cock swelled as if to emphasize his words.

Kili couldn’t take it any longer, he was wound tight, like a coiled spring, and Legolas’ ministrations felt so good. He came with a loud cry, biting into the other’s shoulder, his muscles flexed taught. “Fuck!”

"Yes, Kili!" Legolas spoke fervently. "Yes, baby, come for me." The blonde spilled thick and hot between them with a audible moan of pleasure.

"N-no more…" Kili whimpered as Legolas kept stroking him through his orgasm, the pleasure verging on the edge of pain.

"Sorry, sorry," Legolas panted as Kili gave him a few more hard tugs. "You’re just so beautiful when you orgasm. I did not want it to end." He kissed the brunet once more before maneuvering them into a comfortable position.

"Its okay," Kili breathed as he curled into his friend’s chest. He watched, half asleep, through his bangs as the end credits rolled across the cinema screen. "I think we missed the movie." He huffed a tired laugh.

Legolas chuckled in response. “I think you’re right. Do you want to try another?”

"Yeah. I’m too tired to do much else right now." Kili closed his eyes, smiling.

"Then you stay right here and I’ll pick something." The blonde rose up, begrudgingly detaching himself from the brunet. "Another horror movie?"

"Sounds perfect."


	5. Give me love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili tries to cope with saying goodbye.
> 
> I apologize for the wait everyone nvn; This chapter and the next will be from Fili's POV so I hope you like~ This started out as a 5 times type of fic, but it is growing all its own! So unfortunately, I'll be expanding beyond the inital 6 chapters. Everything is planned, and a short draft has been written, so hopefully things will progress easily from here TwT Please stick with me just a bit longer

January 31st 2:34am

"Hey."

“Hey”

"You okay?"

“Not really.”

"Anything I can do?"

“Be with me again…”

"Kee, you know I can’t"

Fili stared at his screen. It broke his heart, made him ache down to his core. He’d known that it would be a bad idea to text Kili, but he just couldn’t leave him be, despite it all, he still loved him. He loved Kili like he knew he would love no other.

But this…this was too much. Kili was so close but so far…

He had to get away.

~

"Bottoms up!" The small crowd cheered as Fili tipped back his tenth? Twelfth shot? He’d lost count long ago when his vision had started blur. The liquor didn’t even really burn anymore, just filled him with some semblance of the warmth he truly sought. 

"Hey, Blondie!" Someone bumped into his shoulder, but in his inebriated state, he couldn’t tell who exactly. "Want to do some lines in the bathroom?"

He must have made some gesture or noise to the affirmative because he is soon following after this ‘friend’ through the crowd of hot, sweaty bodies. 

Once inside the bathroom, he registered the faint click of the lock right before his friend produced a little baggy from his pocket. After breaking it down with a student ID and dividing it up into four neat little rails, his friend rolled up a dollar bill and passed it Fili’s way.

Fili knew he was being sloppy, he fumbled with the thinly rolled dollar between his fingers before placing it inside his nose and closing the other nostril off with another finger pressed to the outside of it, but he didn’t care or feel like he could correct his actions if he tried. The first hit is always the worst and he braced himself for the inevitable burn. He coughed a bit once he’d inhaled the acrid powder and tilted his head back, sniffling, before leaning back over and snorting up the other line.

"Hell yeah, you’re an animal." The other guy laughed loud and clapped Fili on the back. He took the dollar from Fili and snorted his own share. He wiped up the remaining dust after and rubbed it along his gums. Then his hands were on Fili, opening his mouth and shoving his dust coated finger into the blonde’s mouth. At first, he simply rubbed the drug onto Fili’s gums, but then his fingers began toying with Fili’s tongue and sliding suggestively in and out of his mouth. "Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are…?"

Time to go. Fili thought to himself. He shoved past the boy in front of him without so much as a word and tread back into the cloud of people. He ignored the indignant calls of the guy in the bathroom as he made his leave. It wasn’t the first, or the last for that matter, time that he had been offered ‘free’ drugs in hopes of sexual favors. But he just couldn’t do that to Ki-

He doesn’t know how he made it back to the dorms, but there he is, ambling down the hallway, trying not to make too much noise. He felt like he’d been walking in circles for days trying to find his room. Finally, Fili spotted his door and leaned heavily upon it, digging in his pockets for his keys. 

Fili stumbled back into his dorm, the door banging loudly against the wall as he shoved himself inside. He tripped over his feet and fell to the floor with a loud thud. He groaned as he tried to right himself.

"Fili…?" Lindir jolted upright, rubbing his eyes. This was not the first time the petite brunet found himself jostled awake by Fili in the middle of the night. He always tried to help the distraught blonde in any way he could, going above and beyond casual friendship to ensure Fili’s safety and comfort.

"Mmnn." The blonde moaned incoherently to his roommate. He just remained lying on the floor even after Lindir got out of bed and tried to help him into his own bed. He knew he was being obstinate, knew he should be easier on his friend, but he was so pleasantly inebriated, swimming off the alcohol, buzzing from the coke, he couldn’t make himself do anything in the way of help.

"Fili, come on, get off the floor. Please?" The smaller brunet pushed and nudged at his drunk roommate until he was finally in a sitting position. "Are you going to be okay? Do I need to take you to the bathroom?"

"I-I’m…fiiine~" Fili tried to sound easy, non chalant, but the worried look that covered Lindir’s face told him he was less than convincing.

"Fili, honey." Lindir sat beside him on the floor. "You have to stop doing this to yourself." He patted Fili’s hand softly. "I know that losing Kili was hard—"

"No, you shut up about Kili!" Fili barked much to the brunet’s discomfort. "You don’t know anything!! He was—" He stopped, sadness placing a strangling grip upon his throat. He tore himself away from the brunet.

"But, you have to pull yourself together." Lindir continued seemingly unphaised by Fili’s drunken outburst. "You’re about to lose your scholarship if you keep this up! I got a note from the dean’s office for you saying they’re about to kick you out."

His friend’s words seemed to somehow permeate the fog that had gathered in his mind. When was the last time he had attended a class? Stayed at school for a whole day? It had to have been at least a month ago. Fili sat for a moment as Lindir’s words sunk in.

"Come on. Go to the bathroom and get washed up. You look strung out." With great effort, Lindir managed to get Fili off the floor and into the bathroom. "Just give a shout if you need anything." He added with another worried look.

"Thanks," Fili mumbled as he looked at himself in the mirror. He didn’t even look like the same person he did a month ago. His cheeks were hallowed, his skin dull and dry and his eyes were a clouded grey. He hadn’t taken care of his dreads since before his last visit home and now hung in dankish hanks from his head. Kili would probably have sighed exasperatedly at the state of his dreads and sat down and dutifully retwisted and set them.

Kili.

God…

He’d been avoiding all thought of his sweet little brother since he had managed to successfully break his heart, with the exception of tonight. Kili had tried calling him several times in the first couple of weeks following the falling out with his mother. Every voice mail sounded worried, frantic, but then they just stopped coming. Fili decided, once he had said good bye to his brother, that that was goodbye. He may as well be dead, because he wasn’t going to speak to Kili ever again. He couldn’t. It hurt too much.

"You okay in there?" Lindir knocked softly on the bathroom door, breaking his thoughts.

"Yeah. I’ll be out in a sec." He quickly stripped down and climbed into the shower, savoring the feeling of the hot water rushing down his body. Enough was enough.

~

The next day Fili made an attempt to actually get out of bed in the morning, despite his raging hangover, and pull himself into some semblance of order. He raked his fingers through his hair, catching here and there on particularly loose dreads, and pulled it all up into a loose bun. He slid into a pair of old jeans and tshirt with a wrinkled hoodie over that.

"Going to class today?" Lindir asked from across the room. He kept his head down, hiding his face behind a curtain of shimmery, raven hair.

"Yeah. I’ve got to pull myself together…" Fili huffed a laugh as he gathered his books and placed them in his bag.

"Good to hear," Lindir said, not bothering to hide the smile in his voice.

Fili smirked and walked over to his roommate and wrapped his arms around his small frame. He felt Lindir jump slightly as his head came to rest atop soft, dark locks. He’d never really realized how much shorter and smaller than him Lindir was until this moment.

"Thank you," the blonde whispered.

"I-Its no problem! We should hurry before we’re late." The smaller brunet looked over his shoulder, face flushed at the tall blonde.

"Of course." Fili added with a chaste kiss to the top of Lindir’s head.

~

The months following the end of his binging seemed to go by in a blur. He’d only attended two parties since Lindir’s intervention and only because said brunet had gone with him and kept close watch over him. He’d fallen so far behind in his classes, he had weeks of makeup work to accomplish before his finals. Late spring had brought with it its cold showers and chilly breezes that hinted at the beginnings of summer.

Now that his mind was clearer, Fili began thinking more of his baby brother again. Spring had always been Kili’s favorite season. He loved to put on his mukluks and go splash in the puddles. He recalled vividly pretending to eat every one of Kili’s beautiful mud pies.They’d always got on well, despite his initial thought that Kili would just be “an annoying little brother to take care of.”

The moment Kili was born and those bright, brown eyes had fallen on Fili, he had just known. This person is someone special. He’d cried, emotionally overwhelmed, when he’d first held the tiny baby in his lap with the help of Dis. Kili was just…perfect. Tiny and perfect.

The blonde sighed heavily as he watched the rain slide slowly down the pane of the library’s tall, windows. When had things gotten so messed up? So complicated? He tried to recall, through all the years and copious memories, when his feelings for Kili had become something so deviant and lustful.

He remembered when he first thought he caught Kili checking him out after he’d taken a shower. Those big, doe eyes had tracked his every movement from the bathroom to his own room, obviously trying to be as sneaky as possible. The younger’s cheeks had flushed the brightest shade of red when Fili had jokingly asked him ‘if he liked what he saw.’ Kili’s reaction had been a violent denial and an angry huff of indignation as he’d stomped off to his room. It made Fili smile thinking about it.

But then, he’d found Kili’s sketchbooks. Kili had stayed up late again, sketching and painting and had fallen asleep with his earbuds still in. His mouth had been hanging open, a few strands of hair plastered to his cheek, and his hand had been clutching desperately to a pencil. The faint sound of the younger’s music is what had caught Fili’s attention and brought him into the sleeping brunet’s room. 

He’d collected Kili’s things like a good brother and set them aside, but when he’d come to the sketchpad lying open on the brunet’s lap, he couldn’t resist picking it up and flipping through it. He’d been shocked to see himself staring back up at him from the paper. He flipped quickly through the pages finding more pictures, paintings, sketches, charcoal drawings, of him. At first, he was flattered; his baby brother liked drawing his big brother and that was adorable. But when he’d gotten to the back of the sketchbook, the drawings took on a more sensual feel. It was Fili’s face and his body type, yes, but the look on his face…it was seductive. Eye narrowed, lips curved into a wisp of a smirk. The next few were the same; his head thrown back, dreads cascading down his back as if in the throws of passion, him lying sprawled enticingly across his bed…

How long had Kili thought of him in this way? Was he just reading too much into it? He’d hurriedly placed the sketchbook on the side table and was about to make his leave, when he heard Kili mumbling in his sleep.

“Fili…” he’d said softly into his pillow.

Fili had jumped and whirled around.

“Mmmph! Need…you” Kili whined, still deep asleep. “want…want you…”

Those words had haunted Fili for days. Who knew what exactly Kili was dreaming of, but something about it had struck a chord within Fili. What if he wasn’t mistaken? What if Kili really did like him in that way? And why did the thought of Kili having a crush on him make him so happy?

After that, he paid extra attention to Kili, hyper aware of where he was in a room at all times, when he felt like Kili’s eyes were on him and how they interacted. And he was certain. Kili liked him. It was like his eyes had been opened since looking at his brother’s art. It was so obvious in the way Kili would always try and be in the same room as him, try and touch him even when it wasn’t necessary, lingering with his head on Fili’s chest when they hugged.

And Fili was filled with an inexplicable warmth…

“How’s the studying going?” Lindir’s chipper voice broke through the haze of nostalgia as he joined Fili at his table, coffee in hand. He pulled out the chair opposite Fili and sat, tossing his long hair over one shoulder.

“Better now that you’re here.” Fili smiled warmly and took up the brunet’s hand once he’d placed the coffee down. He couldn’t help but notice Lindir’s beauty with him sitting right before him. A slender, petite frame, long, dark brown hair and big, almond shaped brown eyes.

“Stop being so mushy…” Lindir flushed, adjusting the tank beneath his crop top and casting brown eyes everywhere but in Fili’s direction. “Is everything making sense?”

Fili took a sip of the black coffee. “Mmm, that’s good. Ah yeah, so far so good. Thanks for being my personal tutor.” He scratched at his dreads.

“Its no problem.” Lindir smiled brightly as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. “So, I was thinking, if you do well on finals, we should go somewhere this summer. Do something fun.” He fiddled with a strand of his hair, looking coyly up through his lashes.

"Well, if that’s not incentive…" Fili chuckled. "I know a great place to go camping, if you like that sort of thing…very romantic." The blonde wiggled his brows suggestively. 

"Fili, if you don’t stop flirting with me, I’m going to start thinking you like me." Lindir blushed, a nervous giggle bubbling from him.

"I do like you." Fili stated simply. He gazed into the brunet’s sparkling, sable eyes, sincerity dripping from him.

"O-oh…" The brunet’s eyes went wide, his cheeks flushing an even deeper shade of red, before he turned and smiled beautifully at the blonde across from him.

~

"I can’t believe it…" Fili stared down at the paper in his sweaty-palmed hands in disbelief. "I passed…I passed!"

"I’m so proud of you!" Lindir laughed brightly and pulled the blonde in for a fierce hug. "I knew you could do it!"

The papers fluttered to the floor of their dorm as Fili returned the hug and then some, lifting his friend up and off the ground, twirling him about. He hadn’t felt this kind of joy in so long, the warmth and genuine happiness, and he reveled in it. He stopped spinning, both men breathless from laughter, but continued holding onto the slight brunet, gazing up at him simply admiring his loveliness.

"Put me down Fili!" Lindir giggled and swatted playfully at his friend’s broad shoulders. The smile slipped from his face as he looked down into the bronzed and freckled face of his friend, gazing into his ocean blue eyes. He shivered.

"Lindir, I—" The blonde stopped, biting his lip, looking away to gather his words. Fili mulled his next steps over carefully before deciding actions speak volumes more than his words could express. He leaned into the brunet’s face, breath caressing his cheeks and pressed his lips to Lindir’s soft, petal pink lips.

"Mmph!" The shocked little noise dying as their tongues met, slipping wetly over each other. The brunet opened his mouth further, allowing Fili better access.

Finding no resistance, Fili fell back onto his room mate’s bed, the smaller landing on top of him, both trying to frantically keep their lips connected as they nestled down into the blankets and pillows. He bit Lindir’s plump lip, earning him a soft whimper of pleasure. He nosed along the slender brunet’s jaw, placing wet kisses as he went, biting at his soft earlobe. The breathy moan that followed had the blonde flipping the small brunet over and sliding his hand beneath his friend’s shirt, craving with a sudden voraciousness to know just what that creamy, peach skin felt like beneath his fingertips…

"W-whoa slow down!" The smaller huffed a shaky laugh, throwing an arm across his face to hide his stained cheeks. He placed a hand to Fili’s chest as the blonde leaned in for a second kiss. "As much fun as it is to make out with you, I don’t think I’m ready for anything more right now." The brunet’s smile was barely there, his shoulders drawn up, as if he expected Fili to be upset with his limitations.

"I’m sorry," Fili breathed. "I…I got carried away." He laid down onto the smaller, their chests flush, resting his face in the blankets beneath them. He could feel their hearts, both pounding, as they lay there catching their breath.

"Please, don’t apologize." Lindir waved him off. "It was fun." The brunet smirked cheekily.

Fili rose up, about to try for another few kisses, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He froze, eyes going wide. He felt dread rising up within him as he reached in to grab it.

Lindir noticed the sudden change in the blonde and shifted around until they were both sitting on his bed. “What’s wrong?”

"Nothing," Fili mumbled as he slid his thumb across the lockscreen. Sure enough. Kili…

May 18th 3:47pm

“How’s your day going?”

He felt his chest clench tight about his heart as he read the short message over a few times. It had been five months now. He could handle a simple text conversation without wanting to run off and find his dealer or find the nearest liquor store.

"Good. Just finished up with finals."

Lindir sat patiently, watching as Fili waited for what felt like an eternity before the dinging sound of a new message came from his phone.

“Think you did okay?”

Fili answered the second message in the same rapid fire quickness as the first.

"Well enough, I guess"

Too clipped and grumpy sounding. He typed another quick message "Wish you were here so we could celebrate." and pressed send.

He felt regret tendril into his stomach at that last message. It had just been something quick so that Kili wouldn’t think he was angry with him.

“…me too…”

He was officially the worst human being on he planet. Fili sighed, throwing his phone across the room and onto his own bed, resting his head heavily in his hands.

"It was Kili, right?" Lindir asked softly, resting a gentle hand on the blonde’s shoulder. "I know its not my place to say anything, but you two have the strangest relationship I’ve ever seen. Its almost like you brothers more than lovers somedays…" He trailed off, eyes glazing over for a moment as he thought.

"No, we aren’t related, if that’s what you’re truly thinking," Fili narrowed his eyes as he spoke, hoping that would be enough to scare Lindir off the topic for now.

"Of course not," Lindir added with a nervous grin. "I’m just saying, I’ve never seen a breakup end so badly, but both people seem to still care as much about each other as you two do."

"He was…" Fili clenched his jaw, the weight of the sour words making it ache. "…Kili was the first person who ever loved me. And he was the first person I ever loved. We were a lot of each other’s firsts. I know its wrong, I know its selfish, but I can’t help wanting to know if he’s okay, if he’s at least still breathing. I just can’t stop worrying about him just like that…"

"I’m glad you’re finally admitting it." The brunet smiled a sweet, melancholic smile. "This is the most I’ve heard you talk about him since the breakup and I’m glad because its much healthier for you." Lindir leaned over and kissed his friend’s cheek.

"How can you be so sweet, Lindir?" Fili felt his eyes watering with that new found affection he’d felt earlier towards the brunet. "I don’t know anyone who seems to endlessly give like you do."

The petite brunet’s chocolate eyes went impossibly wide. ” Fili~” He whined, whacking playfully at Fili.

"Oh, you wanna fight about?" Fili growled low, lowering himself before launching the first attack. He pinned down and poked and tickled at the smaller’s ribs, making him squawk with laughter.

"Stop! Stop! You win!" Lindir managed between laughs.

"Then I think I’ll claim my prize…" Fili recaptured the brunet’s lips, holding him down to the mattress with the weight of his hips.


	6. Let me be your paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6 yay~ ;w; only a few more chapters and we're all done, friends. Thank you so much for sticking with me so far.

“Ready to wake up, babe?” Lindir rubbed his nose gently against the sleeping blonde’s nose, smiling sleepily as his fingers trailed lazily through golden curls.

“Five more minutes.” Fili grinned, feigning sleep, and pulled the slender brunet onto his chest. He nuzzled into the brunet’s collarbone, placing a soft kiss to the hollow of his throat.

“That just means we’ll have to wait five more minutes to start our romantic-getaway-weekend-of-camping, as you put it.” Lindir grinned and kissed his boyfriend sweetly.

“Will you stop teasing me about that?” Fili huffed with an exaggerated eyeroll. “I’ll stop giving you super-fun-camping-also-romantic-getaways if you keeping teasing me about them…” He pouted playfully.

“Stop that!” The brunet chided with a smile. “I love your ideas.” His breath hitched as he felt the blonde’s hand slide down the curve of his back and beneath his underwear.

“Ah, sorry,” Fili pulled his hand back up, resting it on the soft peak of a shoulder blade. Somehow their relationship had just naturally evolved into this; sharing a bed and kisses but not their bodies. They’d even tried to put a title to it: boyfriends. “I wasn’t thinking, love.”

“No, its okay. I don’t mind it so much, just startled me is all.” Lindir lowered his eyes bashfully, gazing up through dark, thick lashes. “I’m still not used to…all of it.” He blushed a deep pink.

“I know and its okay. I’m sorry that I get so carried away touching you. You’re just so beautiful that I want to touch all of all the time, just to know the feeling of your skin beneath my fingers.” The blonde smiled warmly up into his boyfriend’s face, tucking a dark lock behind the brunet’s ear.

“I hate that you took those poetry classes.” The smaller glared back, still flushed a lovely red.

“Oh you love it~” Fili grinned.

“No, because you think you’re actually good at it.” Lindir rolled his eyes and slid off the blonde, narrowly escaping being captured. He made for the bathroom and shut the door.

“Hey, that’s low!” He scrambled out of bed and after the brunet, wrenching the door open with a silly growl.

A couple of hours later, they were packed up and loaded into Fili’s Jeep, about to take off. As he was double checking that they’d packed everything they needed, Fili felt his phone go off in his cargo shorts.

June 5th 12:02pm

“Where you going this summer?”

Golden eyebrows scrunched together. Kili. What should he say? Should he answer at all?

“Camping.”

Maybe simpler is better?

“Cool. Where?”

Maybe not…

“That place we visited last year. It my favorite.”

More details and a reason. That should be enough, right?

“I see…”

It was enough. When Kili didn’t text him back for several minutes, he figured it had been. He’d pushed him just a little further away, probably hurt him just that much more.

“I locked up and put in a note with the den mother where we were going in case anything should happen.” Lindir smiled as he bounced up to Fili, long hair tied back in a high ponytail, a loose tank and shorts completed the ensemble. His fair face fell as he took in the blonde’s expression. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, no,” Fili shook his head. “I’m great. Lets go.”

~

After a day long hike through the forest, the two lovers settled down in a green alcove known all too well to Fili. The campfire crackled a soft laugh as it consumed the dried pine and cedar branches they had collected earlier, giving off a greyish smoke that wafted lazily up into the star freckled sky. The crickets chirped rather slowly as well along with the frothing of the river, a lazy sleepiness settling over the forest floor.

“Thank you for bringing me here.” The brunet smiled as he rested his head on the taller blonde’s shoulder. He passed the small joint they had packed, the first bit of drugs he’d allowed Fili in a long while, back to the other.

“I told you you’d love it.” Fili chuckled as he wrapped an arm around his friend, loving the contented sigh that fell from Lindir’s lips. He finished up the blunt, flicking the remains into the fire and turned, tilting the brunet’s face upwards, kissing him with no other goal in mind.

“W-wait…lets go to the tent…” Lindir stood and walked rather quickly into their little tent. He turned and cast an almost coy glance over his shoulder at a slightly bewildered Fili who sat rooted to his spot by the fire.  
“Coming?”

Fili didn’t think he could remember a time when he moved faster than he did in that moment. In his slightly off state, he threw his shoes off so quickly as he clambered into the tent, they went skidding into a nearby bush; he inwardly cursed himself before shrugging and thinking he’d just get them tomorrow, there were more important things to deal with right now.

Lindir bit his lip, the beginnings of a soft blush coloring his high cheekbones, and rolled languidly onto his back on the pile of sleeping bags and blankets covering the floor of their temporary abode. He let out another sigh, this one breathier than the first, the drug obviously settling into his slight frame. He skimmed long, pale fingers up his own abdomen, slowly raising the hem of his tank up over the flatness of his stomach, then up over the arch of his ribs. His deep, sable eyes swirled with a mixture of lust, longing and nervousness.

The blonde felt his body respond instinctively to the delicious sight laid out before him, his member twitching with interest in his shorts. He caught his boyfriend’s gaze, pupils blown, crystalline blue locking with golden amber, as he crawled slowly, sleek as a feline, over to the waiting brunet. Fili angled himself over Lindir, caging the smaller in with his toned arms, and kissed him passionately.

“Fili!” Lindir reached out, grasping at Fili’s shirt as the blonde pulled back to pull said garment over his head. 

“Not going anywhere, babe.” The taller laid himself out over the brunet, letting his hands guide themselves over the tender heated flesh beneath him. Fili inhaled deeply, committing to memory how the other smelled; sunshine, smoke, sweat and just…Lindir. He pressed his hardened length into the hollow of the brunet’s hip.

Lindir’s breath caught in his chest as their sexes brushed against each other. “Touch me…” He commanded, beseeched, breathed, looking up into his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Are you sure?” Fili panted, slowly rolling his hips against the other beneath him. God, it felt so good. Lindir was so small and fit up against him perfectly.

“Yes, now please!” The brunet trembled at the sensuous caress.

Fili ran a hand down his other’s body, fingertips brushing hardened nipples, palms skimming the insides of thighs, before popping the button on his shorts. He pushed Lindir’s shorts along with his underwear down slim legs, until the brunet’s sex sprang free, glistening with precum. The blonde grasped the other’s dripping sex and gave it a few good pumps, garnering a chorus of moans and sighs from the trembling brunet.

“How’s this?” Fili asked, a soft awed smile on his face.

“Its good, but can you…” Lindir made a little come hither gesture with his finger, flushing a bright shade of pink.

“Oh.” The blonde breathed sharply through clenched teeth. “You want my finger in you?” Fili teased on his exhale.

“Y-yes…” The brunet quickly covered his face.

“Hey, hey,” Fili pulled his other’s hands down from his face. “I’d love to do that to you.” He whispered reassuringly as he lifted Lindir’s legs and rested them on his own. The blonde resumed stroking the brunet’s hardened cock, running his fingers down and over drawn stones, and behind to the tight, furled entrance.

“Mmnn!” Lindir let out a small sound of shock and arousal as Fili traced around the edge, dipping his fingertip into his untouched hole. He trembled at his boyfriend’s touch, letting the other control and guide him.

“You okay?” Fili pulled his finger up to his mouth, making a show of licking it and making it glisten with saliva.

“Y-yes…it feels good,” The brunet mumbled around his embarrassment.

“Then lets make you feel even better.” The taller slid his finger in slowly, watching as his finger disappeared joint by joint into the smaller body. He stroked Lindir slowly, trying to soothe him, as he crooked his finger, searching out that special spot. Fili smirked when the brunet jumped, his prick bobbing with pleasure, as he found it.

“What is–oh!” Lindir’s hips shook as clear essence poured from his leaking slit. “Please Fili! Just a little…hnn!” His words became incoherent as Fili stroked him faster, matching the rhythm of his thrusting hips. 

“Come on, baby…come for me.” Fili purred, feeling his own arousal ache unattended, slipping occasionally against the brunet’s buttock. But he didn’t care. “…I want to see you come undone, Lindir.”

The smaller came with a loud, sweet moan, hips shaking up and down, covering his own stomach and Fili’s hand with his cum. Fili watched as Lindir lay panting, reeling from the mind blowing high coursing through him. The blonde bit his lips, fighting the carnal urges tugging at his gut.

“Now, “ Lindir breathed as he spoke. “I want more.“ He smirked and pulled Fili down on top of him, wrapping long legs about Fili’s well muscled torso.

~

“I look ridiculous,” Fili groaned for the umpteenth time that evening. He looked himself over in the mirror. He was wearing a tux, black as pitch and tailored to fit his every curve perfectly, borrowed from Lindir’s older brother.

The petite brunet ignored his whining as he straightened the blonde’s bow tie. “I think you look quite dashing, honestly.” Lindir smirked.

“I’m going to make an idiot of myself…” Fili bemoaned.

“They’re going to love you.” Lindir added reassuringly, turning to straighten his own tuxedo one last time before they joined the rest of the party downstairs. 

Lindir’s father and mother were both investors, had their fingers in this that and the other. Due to a few very sound investments, they had managed to garner quite a bit of wealth for themselves, adding it, of course, to the wealth already passed down to them from the prestigious Imladris family. The only thing they loved more than opulence was showing off said opulence at many lavish parties; which is where Fili found himself tonight: The Winter Gala.

Fili had accepted Lindir’s invitation “to attend a family event” without much thought, assuming it would be lke any family gathering. Needless to say, when he was suddenly bustled off for a suit fitting, shoe shopping and a crash course in etiquette, he had started to get the feeling that maybe it was not just a little family gathering.

“You ready?” Lindir smiled warmly, giving Fili’s hand a little squeeze, the other hand resting on the gold plated door knob, glittering in the muted light of Lindir;s rooms.

“Yes.” Fili smirked and returned the gentle squeeze. He slowly followed his boyfriend down the hall to the grand staircase in the immense foyer, fashioned with a genuine crystal and brass, candle-burning chandelier. They were announced as the glided down the red velvet stairs, side by side, both smiling elegantly, as they immersed themselves into the ocean at the bottom.

~

Fili remained close to Lindir throughout the evening, mingling with the elite and rubbing elbows with foreign dignitaries. He could hardly believe how easy it truly was, a well placed joke here, a roguish grin there, and they were all treating him as one of their own. A man from Sweden, dealing in foreign sports cars, had been particularly funny, his brandy pink cheeks exuding a friendly warmth belied by his intimidating stature.

“See?” Lindir whispered into Fili’s ear, sending a little delighted shiver down the blonde’s spine as his martini-dampened breath caressed him. “They love you.”

“No need to rub it in,” Fili nudged him back with his elbow. For the first time, he took in, really took in, Lindir’s elegant beauty. His mahogany tresses were immaculately combed back and into a low ponytail, the tips dusting his curved lower back, his tuxedo hugging every soft curve of his smaller frame. He was so at ease, so clam in the midst of all the conversation and ego petting. Fili could not help but feeling slightly adrift; seeing this new Lindir, who usually was so quiet and reserved, he wondered if he really knew Lindir as well as he thought he did. “I’ll be right back.”

Lindir paused in his conversation. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, just need to restroom.” Fili muttered, wading out of the thick of the crowd, his head swimming with the posh-ness of a party he truly did not belong at. Or maybe, he had just turned back a few too many martinis?

As he turned down a darkened hallway, in search of a washroom, Fili felt something tugging at him like a delicate pull at the edge of his coat. He turned around, eyes scanning the dim hall, just in time to see the heel of a polished shoe briskly turning down a smaller hallway, followed by a muffled giggle. A young couple escaping all the noise for a moment alone. Just as he was about to turn back around, he heard a voice. A bright, yet shy voice, a voice he had heard before. A voice he had known for his entire life. It couldn’t…

And just like in some horrible romantic drama on Lifetime, Fili felt himself being carried closer to that voice with heavy foot falls, his heart pounding in his ears. But he just couldn’t walk away, no matter how much he willed himself to turn around, he couldn’t. He was like a magnet, attracted by a force he couldn’t control to its opposite half. He rounded the corner, and there, pressed up against a hanging tapestry, mouth and body pressed up against some stranger, was…

“Kili…” Fili breathed the name, warm like a memory and bitter like acid all at once, before he could stop himself. He started and stole back around the corner, before the brunet even realized he had been called to.

“Hmm?”

Kili must have heard him. Damn…

“What is it?” The stranger asked quietly, a smile in his voice.

“N-nothing…I just thought I heard…” Kili paused. “Nevermind.” Their muffled sounds of pre-passion picking up where they had left off, as if they had never been interrupted in the first place.

Fili could feel bile rising up in his throat, too many emotions awash over him at once, and he felt his knees threatening to buckle. He leaned heavily back into the wall, taking deep, gasping breaths. Kili. Kili was here. Right there. In fingertips distance…and in the arms of another. The distance between them suddenly grew from a hallway corner to a jagged, sharp canyon, its gaping maw smiling cruelly at him.

“Fili?”

The blonde whirled his head around to see his date walking towards him, head tilted to the side, and smiling. “Lindir…” Fili breathed a sigh of relief on a breath he hadn’t known he was holding.

“You were taking so long I thought–” Before he could finish, Fili pressed his lips to Lindir’s and kissed him hungrily.

“Is there somewhere we can be alone for a minute?” Fili panted out between voracious kisses, blue eyes locked with brown.

“My room…is everything okay?” The brunet quirked an eyebrow.

“Fine. Yes, everything’s good.” The blonde took his date’s hand and began impatiently leading them back to Lindir’s room. “Just seeing you like this…got me worked up.”

“Oh did it?” Lindir smirked as he purred the words out. “Needing a little tension release?”

“You know it.” Fili returned Lindir’s smile and then some as he licked his lips.

A moment later, they both crashed through Lindir’s bedroom door, hands groping at hardened flesh through the stiff fabric of the tuxedos. They were both naked and falling back onto unbelievably soft down comforter in a few beats of their pounding hearts. Fili bit and licked at the long column of his lover’s throat; Lindir dug his nails into his beloved’s back, groaning at the rough affection.

“Fili~” Lindir tossed his head back, long locks cascading and tangling across the fluffed pillows.

Fili growled as he kissed his way down the brunet’s chest, inhaling the other’s scent, but a different chest, a smaller, lighter chest, flashed through his mind. He continued lower, pushing those images away from himself desperately, until he was nosing and licking at Lindir’s arousal.

“I want you, Fili…” Lindir’s voice pleaded, breathy and strained.

Again thoughts of someone else saying those exact words came crashing into the blonde’s subconscious. Fili~ I want you! He shook his head, trying to get that voice out of his head. He rose up from between Lindir’s long legs and lifted them up and over his shoulders, positioning himself at the brunet’s hot entrance.

“Yes, Fili…please~”  
Kili…The name hung on the tip of his tongue as he nudged at that enticing heat. Fili caught himself, awash with shame. “Shit…Lindir, I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” Fili sat back on his knees, hiding his face in his hands.

“Why? Why not this time?!” Lindir’s voice rose with a hurt and frustration Fili had never heard. “And when we went camping! I thought…I thought then for sure…”

“Lindir…its not…its not fair to you.” Fili replied quietly.

“Its because of Kili, right?” Lindir sat up, drawing within himself, but staring pointedly at the blonde, eyes glimmering with unshed tears.

Fili took a deep breath. “Yes…its not fair to you that I see him when I look at you. You deserve to share your first time with someone who has you and only you on their mind. I fought against it, thought I was ready for this, but I’m not…and I can’t hurt you like that…”

“Just go…”Lindir turned away to lay on his side, burrowing beneath the comforter. “Take my car. The keys are in my jeans.”

“Lindir, I–”

“Just go!” The brunet shouted, pointing a trembling finger at the door.

Fili stood there momentarily stunned, mouth slightly agape with the weight of words left unsaid. He turned and redressed in his old clothes, laying the tux gently over the chair in the dressing area; he knew he didn’t belong in something like that or in a house like this. After rummaging for Lindir’s keys, Fili decided to take his leave. He paused, hand on the door knob, trying to rack his brain for the right words as he gazed sadly at the pile of blankets on the bed. “…I’m sorry…” he whispered and gently and left.

~

Fili found himself standing in front of the mirror in his dorm room in less than an hour, a new pair of kitchen sheers gleamed up from the counter top and a half empty bottle of Jack sloshed in his numbing fingers. His eyes blurred slightly as he tried to focus on his reflection, but decided it wasn’t worth the effort; he hated himself right now. He sat down the bottle long enough to pick up the sheers and bring them up to the base of a long and loose, golden dread.

Snip.

This would be his penance.

Snip.

He snarled an angry semblance of a laugh at himself for being so dramatic.

Snip. Snip. Snip.

Fuck it. Fuck all of this. Everything was so messed up. So fucked up. He was the one who said good bye. Him! He has no right to even speak to Kili anymore let alone…what? Ask for him to take him back?

Snip.

To forgive him for breaking his heart?

Snip.

Tears began streaming down Fili’s face as he finally broke.

I love you, Kili…


	7. I See Right Through You Any Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legolas and Kili spend Valentines in a cozy, little cabin
> 
> (This chapter has been updated and changed quite a bit compared to the original one, sorry for the inconvenience.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is on the shorter side, but it was really all that was needed to progress the storyline. I'm in that place of just really wanting to be done with this chapter and I honestly wrote most of it in a day, so I really apologize if its terrible and not at all what you were hoping for. I did stick with my initial notes, so this was written as planned from the start. Thank you as always for being so patient and taking the time to read my little fic

“Hey, Kili?”

 

“Yeah?“ Kili turned his head on his boyfriend’s chest to look up into his blue eyes.

 

Winter was passing slowly and quietly. Heavy snowflakes fell silently to the ground, piling up in glistening mounds. Kili tried to spend as much of his free time with Legolas as possible, loving the energy and brightness that the other exuded. He was no longer just a distraction as, ashamedly, he had once been.

 

“So, I have been thinking…” The blonde blushed slightly before he spoke, absent mindedly fiddling with Kili’s wavy hair. “…Valentine’s Day is coming up soon and well…would you like to spend the weekend with me?” He bit is lip as he awaited an answer.

 

“Oh!” Kili sat up; now it was his turn to blush. “As in stay the night?”

 

Legolas chuckled. “Yeah, as in stay the night. I was looking into a nice, quiet cabin up in the mountains…hot tub included.” Legolas winked and click-clicked his tongue. “Its my father's, so you don't have to worry about paying.”

 

Kili looked down at the green comforter quietly. Sure, they had spent the night at each others houses before, but never a whole weekend…and it being Valentine’s Day? Surely Legolas was thinking of taking their relationship to the next level, right?

 

“Hey, is everything okay?” Legolas noticed the sudden shift in the brunet’s mood.

 

“Its, uhm…I just–” Kili hid his face in his hands, words failing him.

 

Legolas pulled him to his chest, giving his back soothing rubs. “Hey, if you think I expect anything from you in any way as “payment” or for any other reason, I don’t. I just want to spend the time with you.”

 

Kili instantly felt ridiculous. “I’m sorry, it wasn’t very kind of me to have thought that about you.” He buried his face in the crook of Legolas’ neck, avoiding eye contact.

 

“Its alright. I understand. I think it is common for boys to expect things of their partners, but I promise I don’t. I just want us time.” He kissed wavy, dark locks.

 

“Okay…I’d love to. Thank you!” Kili smiled bashfully and kissed his boyfriend’s lips.

 

~

 

“You call this a cabin?” Kili once again found himself standing in front of a rather large house, somewhat styled to look like a cabin maybe, but a house nonetheless.

 

“Its more of a Swiss chateau, I suppose.” Legolas shrugged as he pulled the key out of his pocket. “Feels like home.” he smirked as he unlocked the door.

 

“You rich people.” Kili teased as he followed him inside.

 

It was a spacious house with a high ceiling and exposed rafters, completely outfitted with hardwood floors that matched the pale wood of the ceiling, sheep skin rugs, and plush white furniture. The walls were a soft dove grey, obviously a Greenwood signature color, and one whole wall was made of windows with French doors leading out onto the deck, where the hot tub sat, steam billowing up into the cold air. Two flutes and a bucket of champagne awaited them on the granite counters of the kitchen.

 

“Would you like a glass?” Legolas popped the cork on the champagne and gave himself a generous pour.

 

“Sure.” Kili took the proffered flute gratefully. He sipped slowly, the bubbles tickling the back of his throat and warming him on their way down to his fluttering stomach. He had managed to keep himself calm all the way up until they had climbed into Legolas’ car. Even though he had said he wanted nothing from him, the pressure was on for Kili. Did he want..? Was he ready for…? Kili was drawn from his thoughts as long, strong arms came to wrap about his waist.

 

“Want to go take a dip in the hot tub?” The blonde smiled seductively, nosing along the brunet’s jaw and nuzzling at his ear, a smile in the purr of his voice. “You can sit in my lap if you want.“

 

“Sh-shut up and go get changed!” Kili pushed the other towards what he assumed was the bedroom. He placed a hand on his chest, feeling the familiar thump thump of his pounding heart. _Its just a dip in the hot tub, calm down..._

 

Kili was finishing off his champagne when Legolas returned. The blonde was wearing square trunks that fit perfectly and left little to the brunet's already racing thoughts. He could not help his mouth falling open a little.

 

“The bathroom is just down the hall to the left and the bedroom is at the end if you'd like to change.” Legolas smirked.

 

“Yes! Right...change.” The brunet shook his head and scurried off.

~

Once he had finally calmed down and changed, Kili crept quietly towards the deck, towel wrapped firmly around his hips. Legolas was already soaking in the water, head laid back on the side, hair draping down in a silvery-gold waterfall. The sun was setting just beyond the railing, casting a warm pink and purple to everything it touched. It was so beautiful, he stopped and simply looked; for the first time in a while, Kili felt like painting.

 

“Come on in Kili, it feels amazing~” Legolas purred as he tilted his head back further, looking at Kili upside down. “But, I'm afraid you'll have to lose the towel...”

 

“I know.” Kili stuck his tongue out childishly, but complied and slowly let the towel slip from around him. For once he had decided to be bold and opted for a black speedo.

 

“Wow,” Blue eyes widened, looking the lithe brunet up and down. “...just wow, Kili.”

 

The brunet blushed as he walked over and climbed into the hot tub, sitting opposite the other. The water was perfect, warm and bubbly and soothing. Kili closed his eyes and laid his head back. “This is really nice...thank you for bringing me here.”

 

“Its no problem.”

 

Kili had just closed his eyes when he felt a hand caress his foot making him jump. The other motioned for him to still and began massaging his foot and up his calf, slow and sweet.“Y-you don't have to--”

 

“But I want to.” Legolas smiled sweetly and placed a soft kiss to the top of Kili's foot.

 

Kili felt himself flush as he tried to lay back and relax, but it was hard with his boyfriend touching him so. He kissed the sole of his foot a few times, then his ankle, lips dragging sensually across his goose prickled flesh. By the time Legolas had moved on to his other foot, the brunet could not handle it any longer and sloshed over and climbed into his lover's lap, smashing their lips together. He could hardly believe his own brazenness, but somehow, as he always seemed to do, Legolas had turned all that nervousness into a half crazed and sudden neediness for him.

 

“I want you,” Kili managed between wet and heated kisses. “I...I'm ready...”

 

“Are you sure?” Legolas pulled back to look at the brunet's face, fingertips tracing lazy patterns on his back.

 

“Yes.” He responded with instant surety.

 

The smile that broke out across the blonde's face was breathtaking in its joyous beauty. He kissed Kili firmly, cupping the back of his head tenderly and pressing their bodies firmly together until there was no space for even a breath between them. They clamored out of the water, toweling off quickly, kissing each other between drying limbs.

 

They stumbled down the hall, Kili was pressed against the wall, pictures rattled with the weight of his body. They kissed until he could think of nothing else. He groped at Legolas' hard and warm body, knocking over a vase as he reached to tug at the waistband of his trunks. The blonde fumbled with the door handle, still kissing the other, as they veritably fell into the bedroom.

 

Kili took little notice of his surroundings, more focused on the body in front of him. He giggled, breathy, as he was lifted and tossed up onto the sheep skin throw decorating the bed. It tickled his nearly naked body and for a moment he wondered if his wet trunks would ruin it, but one look at the voracious glint in the other's eyes, and all thought seemed to cease. He felt himself begin to pant lightly as he watched Legolas crawl up and over him, toned body rippling with every movement.

 

“I love you, Kili.” The blonde whispered before slipping his tongue into the brunet's mouth, laying claim to everything within.

 

Kili smiled as best he could around the kiss. He closed his eyes as he felt hands running down his chest and down his stomach and down until a heated hand cupped his arousal. He could not help the moan that escaped him as he was rubbed and tugged through his trunks before they were pulled off completely. He cracked open one eye when he felt Legolas rise up off him; he had not expected to see the other simply looking him over.

 

“Stop~” Kili whined, embarrassed.

 

“I will not,” The blonde teased, running his fingertip slowly up the underside of the other's shaft. “You are too beautiful for me to not admire.”

 

“Please...” The brunet looked up in what he hoped was an enticing manner through his eyelashes. “Enough looking...I want more than that...”

 

“I know, babe.” Legolas smiled warmly as he tugged his own trunks down, discarding them as he climbed off the bed. “Let me get one thing.” He rummaged through his bag for a moment before producing a small tube of lube. He crawled back over the brunet, caging him in with strong arms, and held his gaze. “You know...it might...hurt, and I want you to know, whenever you say, I will stop no questions asked. I promise.”

 

Kili felt a pang in chest at the sincerity he saw in those crystal blue eyes. “I know...thank you. I promise I will speak up.”

 

Legolas's eyes roved over his face for a moment before kissing Kili passionately once more. He started slowly rocking against him, their sexes rubbing together with a delicious friction. He reached between them to stroke him with a confident familiarity of all of the brunet's sensitive and favorite spots.

 

“Hnn~!” Kili undulated his hips up into the touch, slowly losing himself to the carnal touches of his lover. He could not stop his body from stiffening slightly as he felt a fingertip brush over his furled entrance.

 

“Shh, shh, its okay, just touching,” The blonde whispered soothingly into the crook of his neck as he laid kisses there.

 

"Sorry...nervous...” Kili tried to calm himself, he knew a finger wasn't painful; he had done that much before with--

 

“Don't be. We'll take our time.” Legolas flicked open the lube and coated one finger. “Tell me if its too much.” He reached down between them and slowly slipped the tip of his finger in.

 

“Aah,” The brunet let go of a breath he hadn't realized he was even holding. He felt himself shiver at how good it felt. “M-more...”

 

Legolas slid the rest of his finger inside the tight body beneath him. “Fuck...you're so warm, Kili.” He slowly pulled his finger out before sliding it back in, setting a lazy and sensual rhythm.

 

“I want more~” Kili moaned as Legolas brushed that bundle of nerves deep inside him. “I can take it,” he panted.

 

The blonde added more lube and slid in a second finger to join the first, intense eyes taking everything in. Legolas began slowly stroking the other as he pumped his fingers in and out. “Does it feel good, Kili?”

 

“S-so good!” The brunet's breath caught in his chest, overwhelmed at the sensations coursing through him.

 

“Do you think you're ready for...?” Legolas gestured down to his own awaiting arousal, the tip red and glistening with precum.

 

Kili looked up into Legolas' eyes then down at the hardened flesh that might soon be inside him and was surprised to find he wasn't afraid...he just wanted that closeness, craved to know what if felt like to be so close to another person. He swallowed thickly. “Yes.”

 

Legolas licked his lips, a little nervous himself, as he coated his member with lubricant. “As much as I want to see your gorgeous face, I think it will be easier for you to flip over....but if you want it this way, we can try.”

 

“I trust you.” Kili said simply, sitting up to lovingly stroke his cheek before rolling over. He tried to relax and watch Legolas over his shoulder as he lowered his hips and rubbed his entrance with his swollen sex. His eyelids fluttered and his fingers grasped the sheets as he felt the head line up perfectly and slowly stretch him further. The brunet's back arched, his eyes wide, as he felt the entirety of the blonde's sex sink into him.

 

“Ohhh, Kili.” Legolas' head fell forward, platinum locks spilling onto his lover's back and tickling him. He stilled his hips, trying to keep himself from ramming into the velvety heat wrapped around him. “Are you okay?”

 

“H-hurts~” Kili whimpered quietly.

 

“I'm sorry, baby...should I stop?”

 

“...no...”

 

~

 

The next morning, Kili woke before Legolas, his eyelids heavy and his body sore. He didn't feel the refreshing release he thought he would feel after last night or that twitter-patted affection he saw new couples share in all the romantic movies. Instead, he felt...numb, off, like the world had once again tilted on its axis without warning him first.

 

He showered quickly and wrapped himself up in a fluffy grey bath robe and started a pot of coffee. As he was searching for a cup and something to sweeten his coffee with, he came across a jar of honey. He'd never really liked honey in his coffee before, but Fi-- Kili stopped his thoughts right there. He had just had sex, real sex, with his adoring boyfriend in the room over... _but why is Fili on my mind?_ He stared for a moment longer at the offending honey jar before finally pulling it out and setting it on the white-silver marbled counter.

 

It felt like he missed him, maybe in just a brotherly way? He had just lost his virginity and maybe he needed someone close to tell and talk about it. But the more he thought about it, the more he pictured the look on Fili's face as he gave him the news, he came to the realization that he didn't want to celebrate something like that with him...he just wanted comfort from him.

 

He wanted him to be the one lying there when he had rolled over this morning...

 

“Morning, handsome.” Legolas sauntered sleepily into the kitchen, also clad in a bathrobe, and wrapped his arms around Kili. “I woke up all alone but then I smelled the coffee.” He winked playfully and kissed Kili chastely on the top of the head.

 

“Sorry, I just had some thinking to do.” Kili smiled weakly as he poured two cups of coffee.

 

“What about?” The blonde turned and opened the fridge pulling out the cream.

 

“Oh, uh, its nothing really. How did you sleep?”

 

"Well enough. You're a very snuggly little creature." He nuzzled Kili's ear, making him blush.

 

"Legolas?" Kili thought for a moment, weighing out his decision before he spoke. He chewed at his lips, mouth opening and closing a few times. "I...I want to go home."

 

A lapse of silence fell between them like the deafening white noise of snow fall; the only sounds were the occasional clink of a spoon to cup and a sigh from his boyfriend. Kili took the cream and added it slowly to his coffee, watching the galaxy unfold in his cup. The stillness was becoming unsettling and made him switch from foot to foot.

 

"What made you come to that decision?" He kept his eyes focused downward on his cup, brows slightly furrowed.

 

"I...I don't know, exactly..." A sudden panicky sadness filled his throat, and he knew his voice was wavering. "I just really want to go home. Now."

 

"Hey, hey, don't be upset." Legolas reached out and rubbed the other's shoulder soothingly. "Do you want to at least eat breakfast before we go?"

 

"I think I'm good with my coffee." Kili hung his head sheepishly as he went around his boyfriend towards the bedroom. "I'm sorry...I really am..." His eyes traced the wood grain of the floors for a moment. "I'm going to go pack."

 

~

 

The whole drive home, neither of them hardly spoke. Legolas pointed out a heard of elk on one of the ridges as they descended the mountain, but all Kili could muster was a quiet 'mmhmm' and silence once again took over. Kili's mind was racing with his thoughts from earlier that morning. He hated to admit it, even if it was just to himself, but he still could only think of Fili. He had hoped beyond hope that being away from him would be all that he needed to get over him, but every time, when things fell too quiet or when he was alone or in that brief, otherworldy place between wakefulness and sleep, he would see golden dreads sparkling in the sunlight and playful, summer blue eyes.

 

"Kili, you're home." Legolas roused the brunet from a nap he didn't even know he was taking.

 

"Oh...thank you," Kili spoke softly. "I'm sorry that I ruined everything...you worked so hard, and we...you know... and here I am..." He couldn't seem to stop tripping all over his words.

 

"Don't worry about it, babe." The blonde leaned over and kissed him sweetly on the forehead. "Just give me a ring when you're ready to talk. And again, I'm sorry if you leaving early has anything to do with me or how I treated you last night."

 

"No, really, it has nothing to do with that. You were perfect." He smiled as best he could, eyes glassy and heart full of guilt. "I'll call you soon. Bye." Kili stepped out of the car and grabbed his overnight bag, waving a quick good-bye.

 

Once inside, Kili toed off his wet boots and hung up his coat and made a beeline for his bedroom. He just wanted to sleep. To sleep and forget that any of this ever happened. Forget that he had just lost his virginity. Forget what now felt like a lie between him and Legolas. Forget the time spent together with Fili. Forget Fili. All of it. It was all too heavy and too confusing for him to carry around any longer. He closed his eyes, lashes wet with silent tears and dreamed of nothing.

 

~

 

Kili didn't wake up until it was the next morning. He still felt bogged down and sick to his stomach. He couldn't decide what was worrying him more, how he was going to have to tell Legolas about his feelings or the fact that he actually wanted to see Fili again. _First things first._ He picked up his phone from where he had left it on the bedside table after emptying his pockets last night. He unlocked the still stark, black background and scrolled through his contacts until he reached Legolas. His thumb hovered over the little phone icon for a moment before he pressed it. The phone rang a few times before it was picked up.

 

"Hello?"

 

"H-hi," Kili stammered into the receiver.

 

"Kili, I'm glad you called. I was hoping I'd hear from you today." Legolas' voice had its usual, warm tone making Kili's heart clench.

 

"I was wondering if we could, uhm, maybe meet up at the Buzzing Bee?"

 

~

 

A short walk through the neighborhood found Kili entering the small, quiet downtown area. With it being such a small, tourist trap town in the Northwest, the streets were mostly lined with little, kitschy boutiques, coffee shops galore, and rather frighteningly, a couple of Twilight themed stores. Just down the block on Main was the Buzzing Bee, a quiet little coffee place that featured three different seating rooms with more than enough privacy for quiet chit chat. Most of the time, the walls of each room were decorated with the artwork of local artist and photographers which just seemed to make the place all the more cozy.

 

Kili walked in and up to the counter, giving a quick look around for Legolas. He ordered his usual marshmallow latte and quickly chose the back room with the large armchairs and fewer seats. Less people to overhear a conversation that he had no idea which direction it would take. His hands were trembling even though the coffee was warm.

 

"There you are." Legolas walked into the back room, dopio espresso in a neat, little, white cup on a saucer. He smiled and gave Kili a hug as he sat his coffee down on the large table between them. "Is everything okay? You look pale and shaky....is that your first latte?"

 

"Uhm, yes, its the first." The lighthearted nature of the conversation was throwing Kili for an emotional loop; he didn't know how to deal with it. "Uhm...I wanted to say, I uh--" He was interrupted by a heavy sigh from Legolas.

 

"I think I already know what this is about, Kili." The blonde looked down, head cocked slightly to the side.

 

"Y-you do?" Kili swallowed thickly.

 

“You called for him,” He spoke quietly, low, maybe so others wouldn't hear or maybe to not frighten the already shaking brunet further. 

 

“What?” Kili felt his heart race up into his throat.

 

“For Fili. You called out for Fili the other night while we were having sex...” 

 

“Oh my god, Legolas!” Kili felt a heady mixture of shame and fear rush through him. He quickly sat his coffee on the table for fear of dropping it. “I didn't even—I didn't mean...”  


“Its okay....” The blonde sighed as he poured sugar into his cup.

 

“No, its not...we were together and I...I said that...” He covered his mouth with trembling fingers. He felt tears well up in his eyes as he watched Legolas behaving so calmly and matter of factly about the whole situation. “I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to....you are not a replacement for him! That isn't how I view you!”  


“Kili, really. Its okay.” He raised his hands in a placating gesture. “I know you don't think of me that way or that you meant to say what you said, but what's said is said and I think we need to address it.” He leaned back into the red, plush armchair taking a sip of his coffee; he really looked like his father in that moment, long silvery hair falling over a double breasted, grey pea coat with a green scarf tucked into the neck. He looked at Kili with nothing but patience and kindness.

 

“I don't even know what to say...” Kili felt like the worst human being on the planet when he noticed how watery Legolas' cool blue eyes were turning. “I just...I don't think I'm as over him as I thought I was. And I feel confused and a little lost." The heavy words just started pouring from him. "Like, what am I supposed to do from here? He left me. Even after I begged and pleaded, he just ignored me...and I hate myself for this. I hate him and want to yell at him, but I think...I think I love him.” He looked to the other across from him, still feeling the acrid twinge of guilt in the back of his throat and the ache of a sob building up within him.

 

“I knew that you still loved him. I knew, but I still pursued you hoping that maybe...if I just was there by your side enough,” a single tear tracked down his cheek, “ loved you enough, that you would start to forget and that maybe you would love me instead.” He quickly wiped the tear away as if he had just noticed it had fallen. “But I'm not mad at you, only at myself.”

 

“Please don't be mad at yourself...” Kili paused to gather his words. “I think we both went into this with the wrong mindset and maybe we pushed each other too hard without realizing it.” He reached across the table to cautiously touch Legolas' fingers. “I hope, that maybe with time, you and I can still be friends.” He felt his stomach drop at the thought of completely losing such a dear friend to something like this.

 

“I could never stop being your friend,” Legolas returned the gesture, his hand falling over Kili's and some semblance of his usual, jovial smile broke out on the blonde's face. “you'd miss me and my home theater too much.”

 

Kili smiled half teasing, half melancholic and stuck his tongue out.


	8. When I Would Be Anything For You, Just To Mean Anything To You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When did things get so messed up? He found himself thinking that tired old thought. When? Kili put his head in his hands, feeling so world weary and lost, and cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this update came about way faster than I expected nvn I'm really happy to be writing more frequently again though, it feels good. Only one more chapter and a prologue to go!
> 
> Also, I made a playlist to go with this fic forever ago and keep forgetting to post it, so here is this for your listening pleasure [Our Cosmic Love Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2CV78ae3P8&list=PLKYiaO0aPgyRHOZSFgBtmD-V8oQZf20bL)

 

“You're such a drama queen,” Lindir huffed as he picked up the grooming shears from the counter in the bathroom. “You get all sad and dramatic and cut your hair off? What were you thinking, honestly?”

 

“Honestly?” Fili looked down at the blonde curls all over the burgundy cutting cape. “I wasn't thinking...not straight, anyways.”

 

“Obviously!” The feisty brunet combed and cut another section of hair. “If you wanted a haircut, you could have just waited for me to come back.” Lindir kept grousing as he trimmed. “Drinking yourself stupid again...all alone...idiot.”

 

“How many times can I say I'm sorry and that it was really stupid of me?” The blonde threw his hands up exasperatedly.

 

“I don't know,” he sulked. “I haven't thought about it yet, but please, keep going.”

 

Despite what had happened at the Winter Gala, Fili and Lindir had been able to fall back into some semblance of their old friendship, even if the brunet was more grumpy and short with him than before. It meant the world to Fili that they were even talking.

 

When Lindir had returned to the dorms after winter break, he had found Fili a cold, quivering mess on the verge of alcohol poisoning. After Fili had left, he hadn't bothered to buy any food, just more and more booze and as soon as one bottle was empty, he'd crack open the next. Lindir told him he had found six various bottles of liquor scattered about their room. He had drug Fili into the shower and turned on the cold water, shocking him awake and yelling at him the whole time he fussed over washing and redressing the blonde.

 

“ _You imbecile! Why were you drinking alone again?!”_

 

“ _Do you know you're practically blue?!”_

 

“ _And your hair! Oh my god, Fili, what did you do?!”_

 

Fili had barely registered any of their “conversation” and passed out shortly after Lindir shoved a finger down his throat, making him expel everything in his stomach.

 

Lindir gave the term 'tough love' a whole new definition. He woke Fili up early the next morning and thrust a glass of water into his hand and made him attend his first class. The first day had been the worst; Fili could barely keep his eyes open and when he did, the room wouldn't stop spinning. But, Lindir somehow managed to find him, water bottle in hand, in between all his classes. The small brunet simply glared and shoved the water at him before stalking away.

 

After the first few days of walking around like a zombie, Fili's head started to really clear. He apologized profusely to his roommate swearing he would never lean on Lindir like that again. Lindir had refused to talk to him at first, crossing his arms and sticking his nose in the air rather childishly. But he eventually 'took pity on him' as Lindir put it, and offered to clean up Fili's hair for him so he'd 'at least look presentable.'

 

Fili couldn't fault the other for being so short with him and still being so angry. He was the first person Lindir had ever let touch him, let alone fallen in love with. So he just let Lindir berate him and ignore him and yell at him if it meant he too might feel better in time.

 

“There, all done.” said brunet sniffed. “Its my best work yet, if I do say so myself.”

 

The blonde stood up, careful to remove his cape and catch all the clippings first, and looked himself over in the mirror. For a moment, he simply stood and stared. He'd had long hair and then dreads almost his entire life, so this new short hair, this new Fili staring back at him, was a little surprising to say the least.

 

“C'mon, you're supposed to compliment your stylist's skills now,” Lindir waved his fingers towards himself.

 

“It looks great!” Fili responded quickly almost as if Lindir were his mother. “Really, I love it. Thank you. It looks so much better now.” He ran his fingers through his now cropped, soft strawberry curls, tousling them a little. His dreads had been so overgrown, it allowed for him to have a soft fringe and messy, wavy curls all over.

 

Lindir swatted his hands away from his head. “Now you're going to use this styling product in your hair everyday.” He scooped a small blob of product from a container reading “tea tree sculpting cream”, massaged it through his fingers, then ran it through Fili's hair. “There. Can't have you wandering around with my work and not make it look its best.”

 

“Thank you.” He reached out and placed a gentle hand on Lindir's shoulder, giving it a squeeze and then quickly removing it. “Can we...do you want to...maybe talk about it? Us?”

 

“What's there to talk about?” Lindir crossed his arms defensively. “You love Kili, not me, the end.”

 

“Lindir, come on. You and I both know its not as cut and dry as that.” Fili walked out into their bedroom. He sat on the bed, the springs giving their usual whine, and picked at his cuticles. “I really did love you...”

 

“Did? DID? AND WHAT IF I STILL LOVE YOU?! HUH? WHAT THEN?!” Lindir was shaking from head to toe.

 

“Lindir...”

 

“Fili no! You know what--” the brunet stopped himself, taking a short exasperated breath and releasing it. “Look, _I_ don't want to talk about it. I already know what I need to know.”

 

“Please, just listen. If you don't want to talk, then just listen.” He looked straight into the other's eyes, hoping to convey the sincerity he felt. “I _loved you_ , Lindir. And, in a way, I still do. I always will. But I know I can't give you the love you want and I hate that. I wish so much that I could just give you me, my heart, everything you could ever want, but I know I can't. And I hope that one day, you can forgive me for hurting you like I did. I have never had a more loyal and caring friend. Anyone else would have left me alone to die after I made such a mess of myself, but you didn't. You took care of me in a way no one else has before and for that, I will always be thankful.”

 

Lindir bit his bottom lip to keep it from quivering as big tears filled his dark eyes. He stood swaying back and forth, as if he were trying to decide if he should stay or run out the door. He pointedly looked everywhere but at Fili, willing the tears to go away before they could fall.

 

Fili wished he could at least offer his friend a hug, but he didn't feel it was right, not enough time had passed yet. He just sat waiting for him to regain his composure.

 

“S-so,” Lindir sniffled, trying to calm down. “Are you going to call him?”

 

“I don't know.” The other looked down, mulling things over in his head. “I don't even know if he would answer a call from me at this point.”

 

“Well, you won't know until you try.” Lindir nodded resolutely.

 

~

 

Kili sat at his desk trying to work on one of his many assignments, but he kept glancing at his phone every five minutes. After things had ended so smoothly with Legolas a couple of weeks ago, the two had simply moved back into their close, but casual friendship. But now that he was spending less time with him, Kili had more time on his hands than he had had in a while and he spent it all thinking of his big brother.  _ Would Fili even answer if he tried to call? Should he call? Should he try texting first? Maybe email?  _ The brunet sighed and let his head fall onto his desk. He pushed his chair back and grabbed his coat, heading outside. He couldn't think properly, so there was no reason to try and sit and do homework at this point.

 

It was already dark when Kili went for his walk. He loved how quiet it was after dark in his little town. The street lamps illuminated the late snow, sending prisms and sparkles everywhere the light touched. The snow was still falling in big flakes and the sky was the beautiful, dark purple of winter. His boots crunched loudly, the only real audible sound. As he reached the end of the block, deciding it was time to turn around, his cellphone went off in his pocket. He fumbled with it with gloved fingers, not paying any mind to the display screen.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Kili?”

 

Kili jumped and dropped his phone at the sound of his brother's voice. He hurriedly dug through the snow and salvaged his phone. “F-Fili?”

 

“Hey, uh, how are you?”

 

The brunet just stood there, eyes wide, mouth open. Was this real? Was he sleep walking?

 

“Kili?”

 

Kili hung the phone up quickly, staring at the screen until it faded to black. His heart was pounding in his chest so hard it hurt. He swiped his thumb across the screen, double checking that the call had even happened. There in the call log: Fili. He had been debating what to do for days and now that an opportunity had presented itself, he had just hung up on him. Should he try calling back?

 

He stood there for a moment, staring at his phone, waiting to see if it would do anything. His heavy breathing created a cloud around his head and face as he waited. When a few minutes had passed and the little device didn't make a peep, Kili put it back in his pocket and headed home.

 

He decided he wouldn't call back. He just couldn't. Fili is the one who walked away, Kili remembered angrily.  _ He _ had tried.  _ He _ had called.  _ He _ had texted, not Fili. If Fili wanted to talk to him, he was going to have to try a lot harder.

 

~

 

Fili stared dejectedly at his phone, still cradling it in his hands. He had hoped that maybe they had been accidentally disconnected when his brother had dropped his phone, but when seconds ticked away into minutes, he knew Kili wasn't going to call him back.

 

Kili was still angry.

 

He couldn't blame him. He had ignored him for the better part of a year now, of course he would be angry, furious even. Still, it stung in an entirely new way to be the one on the receiving end of a cold shoulder.

 

“Didn't answer or hung up?” Lindir asked as he walked into their shared room.

 

“Hung up.” Fili said quietly.

 

“Give him time, I know he'll come around.” The brunet quirked one corner of his mouth upwards in a flash of a reassuring grin.

 

“I hope you're right...”

 

~

 

“Legolas, can I ask you something?” Kili sat with his legs swinging back and forth, dangling from the art building.

 

“You know you can ask me anything.” Legolas shoved him playfully.

 

“Well...this is a Fili...thing.” He drew patterns in the snow, keeping his eyes downward.

 

“I see.” The blonde cleared his throat and straightened his coat.

 

“I'm sorry, I knew it was too soon to ask, just forget it.”

 

“No, no. If I can't handle you talking about him now, how will I handle it later? Lay it on me.” Legolas gave his shoulder a reassuring pat.

 

“Well, he called. Last night. He called and...” Kili's brows furrowed as he spoke. “...and he sounded so...normal. Like nothing had happened between us, like the last year hadn't even happened. He just asked 'how are you?' in his normal chipper voice and I...” he paused, clenching his teeth. “...I just wanted to punch him in the teeth. I was so mad that he would call out of the blue like that...like everything was fine.”

 

“But he did call you.” He raised his eyebrows. “I mean, that had to take courage for him to call first.”

 

“What?”

 

“Think about it. He knew that there was a chance you would yell at him or hang up, but he still called. After all this time, he called without you having to call him first.” Legolas leaned back looking up at the silver-grey clouds drifting across the sky. “It must have been important, right?”

 

Kili kept his brows lowered, looking down and away. “...it couldn't have been that important,” he answered meekly. “He didn't bother calling back.”

 

“Well, you probably scared him.”

 

“ _I_ scared _him?_ ” The brunet snorted at the thought. 

 

“Yes, if he thinks you're still so angry that you'd just hang up on him after saying 'hello'.” he shrugged. “Maybe he'll try calling and telling you whatever it was when he works his courage back up.”

 

“Maybe,” Kili made a little snowball and threw it onto the pavement below, watching it explode into a puff of white powder.

 

~

 

The whole day Kili couldn't stop thinking about what Legolas had said.  _ What if it was important? And now he thinks I don't care about him at all? _ Of course he cared, even at the end of it all, they were brothers and if that's all they remained...if. If. He was still holding out hope. Stupid, foolish hope that they could somehow be together. He was so mad at himself for it.

 

Kili pulled his cell out of his jacket and pulled up his galleries. He scrolled all the way to the bottom of his camera roll and there, tucked away all this time, was the picture of him and Fili kissing. A water drop plinked onto the screen. Kili looked up, reaching a hand out for rain, when he felt the wind sting the tear track on his cheek. The longer he looked at the picture, the way Fili was smiling impishly as they kissed, how flushed and happy Kili looked, the more it felt like a wound inside of him was being ripped back open. He stared at the photo until his eyes went out of focus, blurred by tears.

 

It wasn't supposed to still hurt this much...was it?

 

~

 

Fili took a deep breath before hitting the send button and placing the phone up to his ear. He closed his eyes, willing himself to breathe calmly and evenly. The phone droned on for what felt like an eternity before it went to voicemail. He waited a moment and pressed send again. Voice mail again.

 

He sighed and laid back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Maybe he had messed things up too much for them to ever be fixed again. Fili tried hard not to let himself wallow in self loathing, knowing that its best friend was a line or a drink, but it was hard not to. It felt like he'd never speak to Kili again.

 

The blonde sat up, took another calming breath, and hit send.

 

“Hello?”

 

Fili let go of the breath he had been holding, actually hearing Kili's sweet, timid voice, knocked the air out of him.

 

“Kili?”

 

“Yeah...what is it?” He sounded like he had been crying recently, his voice softer and more hoarse than usual.

 

“I just wanted to talk, Kili...if that's alright with you.” He fought every instinct in him to try and console his little brother.

 

“...suppose it is.”

 

“Can we meet up somewhere?” Fili ran a hand through his shorn curls. “I'd rather we did this in person.”

 

“Is it important?” Something in his tone changed, a resolute coldness tinged those three words.

 

“I think it is...I want to apologize, but not like this. I want to be able to look into your eyes as I do.” he spoke in a low and, what he hoped was, earnest tone. Fili waited as a long pause drew out between them; he almost thought Kili had hung up, but could faintly hear the music to one of his video games in the background.

 

“...where?” The other sighed as he spoke.

 

“There's a nice little town between here and home. I can text you the directions...” Fili paused now. “You do have a driver's license now, right?”

 

“Just text me the directions, I'll be there.” And Kili hung up.

 

So it was happening. After over a year, he was going to see Kili again. And even if it was the last time he got to see Kili, it would be a better memory than that of him sneaking off with that stranger at the Winter Gala.

 

The stranger. Fili hadn't given it much thought, but what if Kili and that person were still together? And happy? Fili clenched his fists at his sides as he thought about how happy Kili had sounded with that other person. But if he truly made Kili as happy as he sounded, what place did he have to be angry? He was there for Kili when Fili wasn't and gave Kili something he couldn't.

 

For the first time, Fili felt a little hopeless. He began to wonder if he was just chasing after a dream and nothing more.

 

~

 

The town Fili had given him directions to, was a quaint little harbor town nestled at the bottom of a ridge on the edge of the Straight. It was an antique town that had lovingly kept all the original buildings and docks well maintained. Most were now art galleries, a few holistic healing places and a local produce market.

 

Towards the ferry terminal, there was little Italian gelato and coffee place simply named 'Sublime Gelato and Candy Shop.' Kili wandered inside and was nearly scared to death by the loud and smiley staff behind the counter as they cheerfully called out “Welcome to Sublime! What can we get started for you today?” What a place for Fili to pick for them to meet. It was colorful and garish, and although he was sure anything from there would be delicious, it was something that would've more suited his ten year old tastes than his seventeen year old ones.

 

“I'm actually waiting for someone...I'm, uh, just going to sit outside until they get here.” The brunet slowly edged towards the door.

 

Kili pulled out a wrought iron chair and waited. He thought about all the secret kisses and sweet moments they had shared before things had gotten the way they were. He thought about that morning after with Legolas...and how much he had wished that Fili was the one there for him; he remembered how badly he had wanted to share that with Fili, but instead, he shared it with someone else. He suddenly felt guilty.  _ Fili can never know. _ He glanced at his phone. Fili was running late, about thirty minutes or so. He wondered for a moment if maybe he had opted to walk over on the ferry.

 

“Kili?”

 

Kili's heart stopped and restarted, pounding so hard, all he could hear was the rush of blood in his ears, in the span of a breath. He rose up on shaky legs and turned towards the voice that had called his name.

 

“Fili...”

 

The young brunet simply looked on at the elder blonde. Fili stood before him in a pair of nice fitting jeans, designer dress shoes and a button down with the sleeves rolled up. He looked so different now. His beautiful, long dreads were gone, his once golden tan had faded so much he and Kili were almost the same shade now. But Kili took one look into those twinkling, ocean eyes, and knew , despite all the changes, Fili was still Fili. It took everything in him not to run up and jump into his brother's arms. He swallowed thickly and stilled himself, clenching and unclenching his fingers at his sides. He stood as tall as he could, brows set in a firm line.

 

“My god, Kili...you've changed so much.” Fili looked Kili over from head to foot, noting his long hair and new stubble. “You look like a young man now.” He laughed hollowly, wiping a thumb under his eyes.

 

“What is it you wanted to talk about?” Kili felt his own eyes watering as he glimpsed a chink in his brother's armored facade. He looked down quickly, picking at imaginary fuzz on his jacket.

 

“Oh, well would you like to get anything first?” The blonde motioned to the shop.

 

“Just a coffee maybe...”

 

“Do you still like marshmallow lattes?”

 

“Yes.” The brunet felt a small tightness in his chest that Fili remembered.

 

Fili rushed in to order and returned shortly with two hot paper cups, sitting down across from Kili. He rolled his cup between his palms, searching for what to say first. “So, uhm...how have you been? Are you doing well--”

 

“Can we not?” Kili interrupted with an exhausted sigh.

 

“Not what?”

 

“Not act all normal 'how are you?? how are your grades?' That's not what we're here for. You don't really care about my grades.” He crossed his arms across his still thin chest, giving his brother the best go-to-hell look he could manage.

 

“Kili,” Fili sighed, equally tired and stressed. “I do care about your grades. And I care about you. _That's_ why we're here.” He looked unblinking into the brunet's eyes, wishing more than anything that they really were windows into his mind so at least he would know what Kili was thinking.

 

“No you don't.” Kili looked away from those blue eyes that made him want to lay his soul bare.

 

“I want...I want us again, Kili.” Fili blurted out after a pause. He looked up at his little brother, eyes filled with guilt and anguish.

 

“You what?” Kili whispered, feeling the world begin to reel beneath him as he seemed to remain motionless.

 

“Kili, please,” He spoke on a shaky exhale. “I don't expect you to forgive me for what I did, and I don't expect your trust in me to be completely solid ever again...but please...will you give me one more chance?”

 

“One more chance for what?” The smaller began bouncing his leg, slowly filling with a nervous, anxious energy.

 

“To not be an idiot.” Fili said with a sad, self-berating half smile. “I...you...you were the best thing to ever happen to me. Us was the best thing to ever happen to me.”

 

“You want me to give you another chance?” The brunet nearly yelled as he stood, his body shaking. “So what? You can just run out on me when things get tough? No good byes, no last kiss, just a quick phone call from a town over? No. No, Fili. Fuck you! You're the one who decided to leave! You're the one who broke my heart! You don't get to just pop up out of the blue and try and piece me back together again!” Kili stomped off, not going in any direction in particular, he was just so mad, so furious, he had to walk away.

 

“Kili!” Fili rushed after his brother. “Where are you going?”

 

“I don't know!” Kili yelled over his shoulder. “Just go away!” He kept walking, even after he heard his brother's footfalls stop behind him, he didn't look back. He couldn't stop the angry, hurt tears that began streaming, unbidden, down his face. He didn't care that strangers were looking at him with a mixture of pity and confusion, he just kept walking until his legs tired out. He sat down on a stone bench, realizing he'd ended up in a park.

 

After he'd cleaned himself up with a used napkin he had found in his pocket, Kili sat processing what had really just happened. So Fili did feel the same way he did, he wanted them. _But could we ever have what we had before?_

 

 _When did things get so messed up?_ He found himself thinking that tired old thought. _When?_ Kili put his head in his hands, feeling so world weary and lost, and cried.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Kili started and looked up. Fili stood over him, worried and compassionate as ever. Fili tried to place a hand on his shoulder, but Kili swiped it away. “Yeah, no, I'm great.” He said sarcastically through a sniffly huff.

 

“Kili? What is it? What are you trying so desperately to keep from me?” Fili spoke as softly and calmly as he could, trying to coax the other into talking.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I'm your brother, at the very least,” Fili managed to laugh a little. “I know when you're trying to be angry to scare me away from something.”

 

“I'm not keeping anything.”

 

“Yes, you are.”

 

“No, I'm not.”

 

“Yes, you are.”

 

“Alright! Fine! Fucking fine!” The younger stood and threw his hands up in the air, done with the adolescent back and forth. “You wanna know my big secret? I'm not a fucking virgin anymore!”

 

“What?” Fili's brows scrunched together.

 

“I'm not a fucking pure, little, baby virgin anymore!” Kili continued to yell, the secret just slipping from his lips.

 

“I don't care about that,” The elder started, but was cut off.

 

“Well I do!” Angry tears fell down his pale face, cheeks and nose suffused with red. “I care! I gave that part of myself away...and it wasn't you! I didn't give it to you. And I don't know if I can forgive myself for that!”

 

“Oh, Kili, please, come here.” Fili opened his arms, gesturing to hug the quivering brunet.

 

“No! Don't you fucking dare!” Kili growled with tears in his eyes. He put his hands up to keep Fili at a distance. “No!” But his brother didn't listen and grabbed his wrist, pulling him into a big hug. Kili instantly fell apart, sobbing and crying like a child. “I fucking hate you.” He hiccuped between sobs, smacking his small fists on Fili's chest.

 

“I know, I know, I hate me too.” He pressed a kiss to the top of his little brother's head, letting Kili exhaust himself again. “I promise you, your virginity or lack there of, doesn't change how I feel about you. I love you. I did my fair share of things I'd rather keep to myself while we were apart.”  
  
“L-Like what?” The brunet sniffled. It was like a dam inside him had finally broken with the secret he had been clinging to and Kili found it hard to feel angry in that moment.

 

“Well, I almost lost my scholarship because I was out partying after the break—we were separated. I started doing cocaine, among other things...even shot up a few times. I cut all my dreads off during one of my more manic moments.” Fili tousled his wavy curls, illustrating his point.

 

“That's why you got a haircut?” Kili asked as he wiped his eyes on the back of his hand. He had given up struggling and lay there, listening, resting his head on his big brother's chest. The steady drum of Fili's heart made his body want to go limp and his mind fuzzy.

 

“Yeah, pretty stupid, right?”

 

“You are pretty stupid.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“Fili?” The younger looked down, grasping Fili's shirt tightly.

 

“Yeah?” Fili began rubbing the other's back soothingly, as if there were a tattoo left there for him to trace from him the first time he had touched him like that, falling back into the familiarity of them.

 

“Did you...was there...someone else?” Kili's eyes were wide, unfocused as he asked the question.

 

Fili sighed, clenching his jaw. “There was someone else.” He felt Kili stiffen in his arms. “But, we never went all the way, if that's what you're wondering.”

 

“...” The younger picked at a thread sticking out loosely from a button. “I don't have a right to judge, but I had to ask.”

 

“Its okay, your feelings are valid and I understand.” There was a hesitancy in his voice. “Truthfully, when I saw you at the Winter Gala, I didn't react as calmly as you are now.”

 

“What?” Kili's head shot up, heart pounding again. “What were you doing at the Winter Gala?”

 

“Lindir's parents were the hosts, so I was invited as well.” Fili shrugged.

 

“So, it was Lindir you dated.” He vaguely recalled the brunet he had met only the once.

 

“Yes. Why were you there?”

 

“Uhm, well, Legolas' father received an invitation for himself, his son and a guest, so I tagged along.” Kili flushed, feeling shy saying Legolas' name out loud to Fili. “You might have met him. Greenwood? He sells cars.”

 

“Oh. I did meet him. That's your boyfriend's father then.” The blonde recalled meeting the tall, jovial Swede.

 

“Ex.” Kili noted, smirking ever so slightly to himself at how Fili had snuck that into the conversation. “We broke up weeks ago.”

 

“Saw right through that, didn't you?” The blonde grinned, kissing the other's sable waves as he always had.

 

“Why do you have to be so easy to forgive?” A small smile curved his lips upwards as he pulled back to look up into his brother's face. He took note of all the stains his crying had left on his shirt. “Sorry about your shirt.”

 

“Ah, its no problem,” Fili shrugged again. He looked the other's face over, tracing his jawline with the pad of his thumb. He leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to the brunet's lips. “I love you, Kili.”

 

Kili blinked rapidly, heart fluttering at the light touch, as the puzzle pieces of his world began to settle back into their foundation. “I love you too, Fili.”

 

“Forever?”

 

“...forever.”


	9. How Rare And Beautiful Are We

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The long awaited (?) final chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weh ;w; So here we are at the end everybody! I'm full of so many different feelings right now. I'm sad to see this end, also happy to complete it and so so nervous that I didn't do this ending justice! This is the first fic that I have ever completed and it feels surreal almost. I just wanted to say thank you to The Green Sorceress for her continued moral and technical support, without you, this wouldn't even exist! I love you! And I want to say thank you to all of you who have read this now and from the beginning. You guys are great!

“Lets get you dried off, Kee.” Fili slid the keycard into the reader and quickly ushered the soaking, trembling brunet into the room. He immediately went to the bathroom and grabbed the towels folded neatly beside the sink, handing them to his brother.

“Th-thanks,” Kili's teeth chattered as he roughed his hair up with a towel. He looked around the small hotel room they had ended up in; a single bed took up most of the room, the bedding a tan color to match the beige walls. But it was dry and warm, so he really couldn't complain.

“Here.” The elder cranked the heat up and started the small coffee pot sitting on top of the mini fridge. He settled next to his brother, rubbing his arms with another towel, trying to get him warm. “I didn't expect the weather to get so nasty all of a sudden. The weather report said light showers.” Fili huffed a nervous laugh to himself. 

“Y-yeah...its uhm, really pouring...” Kili kept his head down as he pulled the towel tighter about his shoulders. Even though the air was cleared between them, being alone like this, in a hotel nonetheless, made his heartbeat quicken in an entirely new way.

Had they really needed the room?

Not exactly...Kili admitted sheepishly to himself.

“Do you need to call mom? Or anything?” Fili swallowed, scooting away from his brother a little, trying to keep an okay distance between them. 

“I already did while you booked the room...” The younger bit his lip. “I think I'm going to get in the shower...I just can't seem to get warm.” He managed a quiet laugh and quickly got up to shut himself in the bathroom, turning the water on immediately. 

Its just Fili and we're just staying here because we got soaked. That's all. Kili tried to calm himself down with his usual reason and logic as he slowly peeled all his layers of wet clothing off. He stepped into the inviting steam, closing his eyes and enjoying the enveloping warmth. He let the water run down his already damp hair and down shivering, skinny limbs. Just as he was about to lather up, he realized he had forgotten to take a washcloth with him. 

“Fili?” Kili called softly.

“Yeah?” The blonde's voice answered, muffled through the door.

“Could you bring me a washcloth? I forgot one...” he felt himself flushing.

“Sure thing.” Fili opened the door a fraction of a second later. Kili felt eyes on him through the transparent shower curtain, fogged with steam. “Here.” 

“Thanks.” He opened the curtain just enough to take the cloth from Fili.

Fili pushed the curtain aside further, with a kind smile. He tilted the other's face upwards with the gentle guidance of a finger beneath his chin and gave him a sweet kiss. “You get all washed up while I get some food.”

Kili blushed brilliantly and lowered his eyes quickly. “O-okay.” He fiddled with the rough cloth as Fili took his leave. 

~

Fili pulled out his phone and searched for the nearest convenience store, taking the opportunity to fetch food to cool his head. It had taken more self control than he had thought to not pull the other out of the shower and just kiss him breathless. Kili had that effect on him. From the moment they had shared that first kiss, Fili found his hold on his own self control slipping and it worried him. 

He paused, watching a few small, brown birds splashing and flapping in a puddle while there was a break in the rain. Kili was soft and fragile like those little birds. Fili wanted nothing more than to see Kili outstretch his wings and take flight, but in the back of his mind he worried that he, once again, might be the one to break his wings. 

~

When Fili returned, plastic bag full of junk food from 7-11 in tow, it was to Kili sitting on the bed, drying himself off. He had one of the small towels wrapped about his slender hips, the other scrunching his hair dry again; he was humming softly to himself. Fili recognized the tune as one their mother used to hum to them when they were little and couldn't sleep. 

“Oh, Fili, you're back.” He stood and smiled sweetly up at his brother and resumed drying himself. “What did you get? Ah--!” Kili breathed out a quiet sound of surprise as Fili came up behind him and wrapped his arms around him in a fierce hug. 

“I love you, Kili...so very much.” Fili whispered into his ear as he pressed kisses to the other's shoulders. 

Kili turned in his brother's arms to face him. His heart was beating so hard against his rib cage, it ached. Fili's shirt, still cold and damp, made him shiver; the hardness of his abs hidden beneath the rust colored fabric had his fingers itching to touch. Kili stood up on his tip toes and kissed his brother.

The blonde started at Kili taking the lead and brought a hand up to cradle the back of the other's head as they kissed tenderly. “You can touch me...” Fili offered when he noticed how the younger kept his hands clenched onto the fabric of his shirt.

Kili huffed a shaky laugh. Slender hands began working at the buttons, slowly revealing the familiar, freckled skin beneath. Kili watched with bated breath as Fili stepped back to pull his shirt off. He had forgotten just how beautiful his big brother really was, no memory even came close. Fili's shoulders were slightly more broad, his muscles more defined, than last Kili had seen him; he looked more masculine in a way the brunet could not quite put his finger on. “Hold me.” He whined, smirking, with a coy bite of the lip.

It was Fili's turn to laugh. “Come here,” he smiled as he grabbed Kili around the waist. He pulled him close again, embracing him with his ever present warmth. The elder pressed their lips together eagerly, wetly slipping across each other. He tangled a hand into dark locks, securing Kili in place for him to take his fill of those delicious, red lips.

Kili moaned quietly through his nose as Fili's tongue snaked into his mouth. He tasted like some sort of energy drink combined with his favorite gummy bears. He couldn't help but smile into the kiss. 

“Can I?” The blonde asked tugging at the edge of the brunet's towel. 

“...yes.” The younger turned an alluring shade of pink as his towel was slowly unwound from his hips. Kili's cock was already hard just from the kissing, which made him turn an even darker shade and hide his face in his hands, peeking over the edge of his fingers at Fili, who was looking him over from head to foot. They had seen each other naked before, but with time and distance between them, it all felt new; it felt like Fili was undressing him all over again, but this time, it was like he was trying to peel back the layers of his mind and heart, lay out his truest self before them, hungry to devour Kili's very essence. 

Fili slowly pulled the other's hands from his face and brought them down to his sides as he took in everything before him. Kili's big doe eyes, gazing up at him as they always had for guidance, his full lips parted and slightly swollen, breath puffing warmly from between them. He watched, a little amusedly, as Kili shifted around, trying so hard to not cover himself. The elder hurriedly stepped out of his jeans and briefs, his own sex impossibly hard. He smiled at Kili's wide eyed response and pushed him onto the bed playfully. They both giggled as they fell into a tangled heap on the bed, still kissing and petting each other. Fili hovered over his love, summer blue eyes intense, and rolled his hips against the brunet beneath him, his member grazing Kili's hip.

Kili reached between them and gently took his brother's swollen cock, stroking it with a rhythm he remembered Fili liked. He grinned impishly when he was rewarded with a low moan from the blonde. He opened his legs sinfully, hitching a leg on Fili's hip, inviting him to touch him as well. His mouth fell open, breathy moans of satisfaction escaping him and reverberating off the walls when his own erection was grasped with large hands. “Fili~”

“Kili,” the elder whispered his lover's name into the shell of his ear. He rocked his hips up into Kili's touch. Fili got up quickly and snagged the small hotel lotions from the counter, throwing Kili a sad, little shrug. “If I'd known, I would've grabbed something at the store...”

“I don't care,” Kili panted, stretching and sprawling languidly on the bed like an animal in heat. He made a show of slowly stroking his pretty, pink cock just for Fili. “I just want you. Right now.”

Fili needed little encouragement and quickly climbed back into bed with his love. He slipped down the other's body, applying kisses to hardened nipples and pleasing hip bones, telling Kili how lovely he was between each kiss. “So amazing,” was his last compliment, whispered on hot breath, before his mouth descended down his member. 

A loud moan escaped the younger's lips as his cock was licked and kissed in a way no one had ever done to him before. His cries grew even louder when he felt Fili's lotion-slick finger slip behind his drawn up sack and inside of him slowly. He nearly came off the bed when Fili found that special place inside him. “Please,” he begged incoherently. “Please do it again...feels so good~”

“Anything you want is your's.” Fili let his cock slide wetly from his lips as he spoke, kissing the tip teasingly and sucking it back into his mouth.

“I want...I want you...” Kili spoke soft, back arched gracefully off the bed. He pushed at Fili to rejoin him at the head of the bed.

Fili complied, holding himself over the slender brunet in with strong arms. “Are you sure this is what you want?” Blue eyes gazed down with that deep and wonderful caring Kili had known his entire life. 

“I've never wanted anything more than I want this right now.” Kili smiled watery, lips trembling as they curved upwards. It was finally happening. Them. This. Everything. No other moment in his life compared to the brevity of this moment. They were two object set into motion, finally, as was their destiny, meant to come crashing into each other. “Come on, Fili...make love to me...”He reached up, wrapping his arms around his brother's shoulders as his legs wound around his hips. “...make me yours.”

Fili positioned the weeping head of his sex at the brunet's slicked entrance, savoring the sensation and build up. Finally, finally, he edged the tip inside the small body beneath him. The small whimpers of impatience from Kili made him worry, tested his will, but he urged himself to take it slow, commit to memory this moment. 

“Mmm, Kili...” Fili moaned out his name as he began thrusting shallowly into the tight, inviting heat. His mouth fell open, eyes hazed with a dreamy sort of disbelief, as he seated himself completely inside his little brother. It all felt so surreal to be joined like this after all this time. “D-does it hurt?” He managed to stutter out.

“N-no...feels good~” Kili unconsciously nosed at the blonde's cheek, rubbing their cheeks together. He felt the air leave his lungs when Fili cupped his rear with a firm grasp, bringing them that much closer and pushing himself that much deeper. His body began rocking to and fro with his lover's steady cadence, as if this were a dance they had been destined to perform together. 

“Fuck,” Fili breathed a chuckle at the total lack of thought he was experiencing, all that existed in that moment was Kili, his body, his voice, his heat wrapped so snugly around him. 

Kili kept his legs wrapped about Fili, even when his thighs began to tremble from the other's harsh thrusts, he craved the closeness. He never wanted to be torn from Fili again. Never. Sable locks were thrown back, cascading on the muted bedding, as the blonde's cock hit that enticing spot inside him. He whined audibly when he felt the first wave of his release; he wanted that moment to last forever.

“You almost there, baby?” Fili grunted as he withdrew further than he had been and snapped his hips harshly, sinking back into the velvet passage. 

“Ooh!” The brunet's voice wavered. “Yes! So close!”

“That's right, cum for me, Kili.” The blonde pried one of the legs from his waist and brought it up to rest on his shoulder, allowing him to push deeper and pull out farther. 

“Yes yes yes...so close!” Kili writhed beneath his brother's touch, rocking his hips as best he could in his compromised position. He felt hot tears in his eyes, welling up from deep inside him as that aching empty place within him was filled.

“...I love you, Kili...”

That was all it took for Kili's whole body to tense, joints locking and turning to liquid all at once, as he came with a loud cry. His nails dug into and scratched at Fili's back mercilessly as he continued to orgasm, cum ceaselessly flowing from him. 

Fili growled audibly as the brunet came all over his cock, the quivering, slick muscles driving him near the edge of madness with need. Seeing Kili's tired, but sated eyes, the little moans of pleasure still spilling from his lips, his spent cock bouncing and dribbling clear essence all over his stomach, as he continued to fuck him, pushed Fili over the edge. He thrust a few more times, before bottoming out and spending himself inside his little brother.

Both lay panting and glistening with sweat for a long while, enjoying the sleepy warmth of post coital bliss. Kili still had his legs around Fili, not wanting this special closeness to end. Fili smiled beatifically at him, leaning down to sweetly kiss away the cathartic tears from his lashes. A little disgruntled sound left his lips when the elder's sex softened and fell from him, his seed no doubt spilling out with it, but Kili didn't mind the mess; he had his older brother in his arms and he was never letting go again.

“I love you, Fili.”

~

The next morning, they woke up with bashful smiles and tender kisses for each other, slowly falling into another, more lazy love making session. Kili was still a little sore, but paid it little mind as his brother made love to him, sleepily clinging to the other. They laced their fingers together as Kili tossed his head back as he came in the white, foggy haze of early morning. 

“Fili...can I ask you something?” Kili watched water drops fall from his fingertips as he lifted his hand from the warm water. They had somehow managed to cram into the small tub together with Kili sitting between Fili's long legs and resting his back against his chest.

“Of course.” Fili played with a wisp of hair hanging from Kili's bun.

“Why did you stop talking to me?” Kili pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on them.

Of all the questions he could have asked, Fili hadn't expected that one. “I just couldn't.” He furrowed his brows. “It was purely selfish. After mom told me to go, I decided that she was right...I was bad for you and I needed to get as far away from you as possible before I had a chance to really hurt you. But I don't think I really saved you from any hurt.” He slumped forward slightly to rest his head on Kili's back. “I'm sorry.”

“Please...” The younger couldn't control the tremulousness of his voice. “Please don't do it ever again.” He willed the tears forming in his eyes away. “Please don't just leave and never talk to me again.” He pulled his knees even tighter into himself and hid his face between them as he tried to stave off the tears.

“Shh shh,” Fili pulled the little bundle that was his brother closer to him. “I promise Kili, I will never do that to you again. I promise.”

“...we have to tell mom.” Kili spoke once he had calmed.

“I don't think mom wants to see me again, Kili.” Fili scratched at his beard.

“I don't care what mom wants.” The brunet whispered harshly. 

Fili paused, taken aback by the quiet loathing tinging his brother's voice; it wasn't a tone he had ever heard from him.

“I don't want to have to hide this, Fili. I don't care how much she can't stand the thought of us, I choose you and there's nothing anyone, aside from God himself, could do or say to make me change how I feel.” Kili looked over his shoulder, profile tensed, as he waited for the other to speak.

“You're right.” Fili kissed his brother, his lover, between his shoulder blades. “Nothing will tear me from you ever again.”

~

“Mom? Are you home?” The brunet walked in on shaky legs, but held his head high.

“I'm in the dining room!”

Kili followed the sound of his mother's voice until he found her sitting at the dining table, sipping tea with a book in hand.

“What is it? Is everything okay, dragă?” Dis looked up from her book worriedly. 

“Yeah, no, its fine.” Kili kept his brows set in a heavy line. “I just...want you to meet someone.”

“Oh.” The elder lady sat her book down with a slight smile playing at her lips, she seemed relieved just to have her son talking to her once again. “I'd love to meet whoever it is.” 

“You can come in now,” Kili called over his shoulder into the foyer.

Slow, trepidacious footfalls came down the hall before Fili came into view, eyes slightly wide with obvious nervousness. “Hello, mother.” He bowed his head slightly to the woman at the table, the woman who had raised him, the woman who loved him and banished him in the same breath. Again, he could feel that summer storm, fast winds billowing up massive waves and crashing them onto the rocks ashore, rising to its peak between them.

“What...what are you doing here?” Dis rose, knocking her book to the floor, as she gaped at her eldest.

“We're here to tell you something.” Kili said firmly, lacing his fingers with the blonde's beside him. He looked to his brother before he spoke again. “We love each other, mama fi [mother] and this time, nothing is going to break us up.” 

The elder gave the younger's hand a firm squeeze. “We wanted to tell you, rather than hide it from you again. We hope that maybe we could all start over again.” His voice was surprisingly cold and decided, even to his own ears. “We hoped that you could give us your blessing or, at least, your understanding.” 

Dis' fist clenched and unclenched, her head bowed. “My babies...why?” Her shoulders began to shake, matching her quavering voice. “Why did you have to choose each other? De ce alege durerea? [Why choose heartache?]”

“Eu nu stiu [I don't know]...neither of us understand it either, but we know what we feel.” Fili looked to Kili with a small, kind smile that was returned ten fold. “We know its not right for two brothers to feel this way, but its not something we chose...its just the way we are, for better or worse. Both of us tried so hard to fight it, but we can't. Și sper într-o zi, pe care le puteți ne acceptăm așa cum suntem. [And I hope someday, you can accept us as we are. ]”

Quiet tears trickled down the elder woman's face. “Oh, my babies...” She dried her eyes with a handkerchief from her pocket. “În atât de multe feluri sunt mândru de tine pentru asta, pentru a fi sincer, pentru picioare pentru ceea ce crezi. Voi doi ați devenit tineri de peste noapte. [In so many ways I am proud of you for this, for being honest, for standing up for what you believe in. You two have become young men over night.]”

Fili and Kili looked from one another to their mother. Their mother was taking things so calmly, as if she hadn't kicked Fili out, as if her and Kili's relationship hadn't been suffering, they could scarcely believe it. They both sat, feeling a little shaken, when she motioned for them to take a seat at the table.

“Fili, do you remember much about Romania?”

“Yes, a little.”

“Do you remember your uncle Thorin?”

“I remember blurred images of his face...and I remember him going to prison before we left. But what has this got to do with--”

“Well, shortly before that,” Dis interrupted. “you'll remember that Naftali, your father, died in a mining accident.”

“Yes, and that's why we left.”

Kili furrowed his brows as his mother began her story. Something had him on edge and he could not quite place a finger on it; the way she said your father as she looked at Fili. Only Fili.

“I never explained why Thorin went away.” Dis paused to sip her tea, obviously gathering her thoughts. “Thorin and I...we were in love, since we were very young.” She raised her hand to quiet the words Kili was about to speak. 

“I loved him like I shouldn't have, but I couldn't stop myself. I was drawn to him..to his enigmatic charisma..” Dis' eyes glistened with thoughts a thousand miles away; they twinkled with the love and heart ache of a young girl, not a woman in her forties. “And he loved me just as fiercely as I loved him. We kept our relationship a secret, as best as two teenagers can keep a secret, but our parents found out and were horrified. They berated Thorin...called him a monster...” She paused to give Fili a quick, ashamed glance. “And threatened to throw him out and alert the authorities if he didn't stop 'defiling' me. They couldn't understand that it wasn't about that...at the time they found out, we hadn't yet consummated our relationship in that way. It was so much than physicality between us.”

“Anyways, they married me off as fast as they could to Naftali so that I might forget my brother in time. Naftali was a sweet man and I loved him in his own way; he gave me you,” she reached out timidly and patted Fili's hand. Fili quickly held her hand in return. “ and that was one of the best gifts I have ever received...and, my parents were right. I did forget about Thorin for a while...until you turned three and your father perished in the accident.”

“Wait, when I was three?” Fili cocked his head to one side, eyes narrowed as he looked his mother over skeptically. “I thought I was four?”

“Shut up, Fili.” Kili sat on the edge of his seat breathing heavily, chest rising and falling rapidly, but other wise stock still, eyes wide. He was not one to snap, but when he did, it was usually out of anxiety or fear, so Fili let it go with nothing more than a look.

“Your uncle came back into my life and it was just like before; like no time had passed between us. So we decided to finally...consummate...and...I really thought that we would be happy together forever. But love's greatest friend is tragedy and when I became pregnant again, my parents put two and two together...and this time, they held to their word and Thorin was whisked away on charges of 'indecency and abuse of a family member.' “ Dis took a deep breath as she paused, letting the weight of her long kept secret settle between them.

“S-so you're saying...uncle Thorin is...” Kili turned an unnatural shade of pale, his hands trembled.

“Your father.” His mother stated quietly, eyebrows lowered. She reached across the table to touch Kili, but he jerked away.

“But why?!” The brunet rose as his voice did, his nervous energy taking the form of pacing around the dining room. The usual floorboards creaked and squeaked as he did so. “ After all this time--!”

“Kili, calm down.” Fili held his mother's gaze. “Mother is this true?” 

“Yes,” Dis hiccuped on a sob. “and that's why when I saw you two...I couldn't help myself...I had to end and force you apart. The thought of one of my babies in jail--!” She covered the lower half of her face with a handkerchief as more tears rolled down her cheeks. “I'm so so sorry, my boys...Fili! I only wanted you safe! Can you ever forgive me?” 

The young blonde rounded the table and held his mother in a crushing hug as she finally broke down. “Mom...why didn't you just tell us?”

“I didn't expect either of you to understand...before now, before you two...would you have understood where I was coming from?” Dis looked between them, eyes shining like obsidian.

Kili slowed in his pacing before coming to a complete stop. “He's...he's alive. My...father is alive...” His brown eyes darted all over the floor, brain working in overdrive. “...and in jail because of me.”

“No no, baby,” Dis held her arm out for Kili to join her and Fili, but the youngest was not ready for it yet, and resumed his pacing. “He is there because of other's close mindedness and inability to accept things they can't change.” Her voice was tinged with heavy guilt. “But...he is getting released soon and...and I want him to come here.”

“You want uncle Thorin to live with you?” The blonde pulled back to see Dis' face more clearly. “With us?”

“Yes, if it is also what you both want.” She sat with her head bowed, dark hair falling around her face, as she awaited their answer.

Fili looked up to Kili who was standing so still, he hardly seemed real. The brunet stared off into thin air, his brows furrowed and eyes glassy. “Can you give us some time? Its a lot of information to take in all at once.”

“No,” Kili spoke in a whisper. “ I don't need time to think about it. I want to meet him. I want to meet my father.”

“Oh, Kili, my darling...” Dis smiled a watery smile. 

~

Kili laid back with his head on Fili's chest, feeling exhausted from the talk with their mother. The smell of his sheets and the darkness of his room was comforting to his weary mind as it raced laps around the fact that his father was actually alive. He didn't feel like he could handle one more tilt-shift of the earth or his mind was going to collapse. Fili did not speak, a courtesy Kili greatly appreciated as he rolled himself up into his black comforter.

“I still can't believe it...” The young brunet finally spoke. “...all this time, my father has been alive. And I never had a clue. I don't know how to feel...”

“I would be feeling pretty lucky, if I were you.” Fili said with a thoughtful hum. 

Kili winced. “Sorry, Fee...I must seem selfish...”

“Its alright, you don't. I understand what you mean.” He kissed Kili's temple. “But, so what if you didn't know about him before? You can get to know him now.”

“I know.” Kili huffed. “But part of me feels angry...and I don't even know why. Its like a menagerie of different, contradicting things...I'm mad mom didn't tell me. I'm mad that he didn't try to contact me. I'm mad at the grandparents I don't even really remember for breaking up my family.” 

“I know it must be confusing,” The blonde stroked the other's cheek with his knuckles. “but try and look at the positives. He'll be here soon and you two can start building memories together. You can become father and son.” Fili's voice filled with a gentle, warm excitement at the possibilities laid out for his brother. “You have to keep looking forward. You can't change the past.” 

“I'm so nervous.” Kili bit his lips. “What if he doesn't like me? Who I've become?”

“Stop that. He'll love you.” Fili smiled reassuringly. “And no matter what, we'll face this together. I'll be right there with you the whole way.”

“Yes...together.” Kili returned his brother's smile. All at once, it felt as if their world was simultaneously getting smaller, settling in around just the two of them, and yet expanding rapidly, again including their mother and now Thorin, Kili's father. So much had happened while they were apart and now, together again, things kept changing, shifting, and Kili knew that they weren't the same two, love sick teenagers that had haphazardly shared their first kiss in a cave, drunk on the wet heat of summer air and laughing, heads thrown back, the sun cascading around them, but for the first time, as they took these new first steps together, it felt alright. They were going to be alright. 

~~**End**~~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I can't believe this is happening...” Kili paced around the living room, narrowly avoiding upsetting the Christmas tree, full of nervous excited energy. “Do I look alright? Do you think he'll like me?”

Fili shook his head and smiled sweetly at his brother. “He's going to love you and you look beautiful.” He held Kili's hand, stopping him in his tracks, and gave him a little kiss. They were both wearing the red and green sweaters their mom had picked for each of them for the festive holiday to come.

“I hope I don't say something stupid...”

“You always manage to say something stupid.” Fili smirked.

“Not helping!” The brunet was about to lay into his brother, when he heard the doorknob click and the jingle of keys. His heart was beating so quick, he thought for sure he was going to pass out before they ever got inside the door.

“Boys!” Dis walked in first, face flushed and smiling. For the first time in a while, she looked genuinely happy. “Sorry it took so long, the plane was delayed due to the snow.”

Behind her, in stepped a man with long jet black hair, silver streaks at his temples. He was tall, taller than Fili, and muscular with piercing blue eyes that spoke with the knowing and gentility someone twice his age. He stood tall, proud even, as he looked first Fili over and then Kili. He rushed over and wrapped his arms around Kili, pulling him into a tight hug.

“My boy...” His heavily accented voice thick with tears. “Oh my boy...Am așteptat mulți ani să le vedeți [I have waited for many years to meet you.]” 

Kili looked startled at first, being crushed by a very large stranger, but he quickly brought his arms up and returned the embrace. He couldn't stop the tears that flowed as he hugged his father. ”Tată [father]!” 

Thorin buried his face in the smaller brunet's hair, smiling despite the tears. He looked over and wrapped an arm around Fili and pulled him in. ”Și ai crescut atât de mult. Arăți exact ca tatăl tău. [And you have grown so much. You look just like your father.]” 

Dis stood, mouth covered with a gloved hand, eyes shining, looking in disbelief at her small family reunited at last. She walked over and wrapped her arms around them all. “I never thought I could be so happy,” she whispered to herself.

Kili breathed a quiet laugh as they pulled apart and he stepped into the familiar, steady warmth of Fili, wiping at his eyes quickly. “I can't believe you're finally here.” He smiled up at Thorin. “I have so many questions.”

“And I will do my best to answer them all.” Thorin chuckled, wiping his eyes. 

They talked long into the night over cups of tea and cocoa, sharing old stories and laughing. Kili told his father about how he and Fili had fallen in love and for the first time, didn't feel any shame or embarrassment. Even when Fili leaned over to kiss him when he got the the mushy parts. Thorin spoke lovingly of Dis, reaching out and holding her hand with confidence, and how they had come to love each other which had their mother turning all sorts of amusing shades of red. 

And just like that, they were a family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have an opinion as to which of my fics I should work on next, feel free to add the title to your comment! Thanks~<3


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